Thursday, April 24, 2014

Post-Morbid Obesity Feelings.

The other day, I was tooling around on Facebook (I swear I WAS working, I swear!) when I noticed a friend of mine had posted this article to her timeline.

You can find the link to it here.

I read the article and it struck a nerve.  Nothing bad, nothing really negative, it just made me think.

Number 3 on that list is totally me.  Absolutely me.  (Dang scale and dang obsessing over every freaking pound as if it were the end of the world.)

While I was never over 300 pounds, I certainly was close.  And I certainly could've gotten myself there if I hadn't decided to take control of my health and my body when I did.

I also don't miss being morbidly obese.  Not at all.  But I can relate to a lot of what is mentioned in the article.  Women never saw me as a rival because I never was a rival to them.  I just tried to paint myself as one of the guys, or the funny fat chick.  Both labels and schticks worked for me.

Was there a certain "power" in being almost 300 pounds?  Not to me, no.  If anything, I felt the exact opposite.  I felt the weight was something I toiled with, physically and emotionally.  I felt burdened with it, and there's nothing about it I miss like the author says she misses about her former body.  I've learned to love and appreciate the body I have now, because I worked my ass for it.

The article left me pondering my own weight loss journey.  It also left me a bit puzzled.  I was never physically strong at my heaviest (I certainly couldn't lift a couch out of a U-Haul like she says in the article) but I think I know where she was coming from.

I think I miss the old comfort and protection being that overweight gave me.  I don't actually miss being that big.

Now you.  Have you read the article?  What are your thoughts?

P.S.  Please to forgive the nonsensical ramblings of this post.   This is the direct result of waking up at 4 AM wide awake and being unable to fall back asleep.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Scenes From the Weekend.

Happy belated Easter everyone!  Did you all have beautiful weather like we had here in NY?

My weekend started off pretty routinely.   WW meeting in the morning (with no meeting fan, alas.  She went to visit her brother in California and spend Easter there with him.)  Then I ran out of the meeting early to hit the 10 AM Saturday Sweat class at Bootcamp.

Side profile post workout.

Know what I've realized?  See how I'm covering my stomachs area with my arm?  It's a physical defense mechanism, I think.  I try to hide the loose skin that protrudes past the waistband of my workout capris.

Saturday night, I hung out with Rachel the RN and grabbed a late dinner with her.  She's just one of many great people I've met through Bootcamp.  Unfortunately, I didn't think to take a quick pic with her, more's the pity.  We split dinner, (an appetizer & a burger) and just gabbed & gabbed.

A perfect girl's night out.  :-)

Sunday I had Easter lunch at my folks.  It was a nice day, so I took the dogs outside and played catch with them for a while before meeting another friend from Bootcamp.

Brittany & I went for a walk at Bayside Marina, right by the water with the Manhattan skyline as our landscape.

Manhattan & the Throgs Neck Bridge.

We walked 3 miles on Sunday, and when I woke up this morning, I was feeling it in my glutes and quads.  Oye, wasn't expecting that!

All in all, a great weekend spent with family and really great people.

Jeanette has been talking lately how we should just really try to appreciate what we have now, instead of wishing for something that we want in the future.  I couldn't agree more.  Enjoy and appreciate what we have and what we have been given because it truly is a gift.

Take care!

P.S.  I may have another opportunity in the works, so stay tuned!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Office Shenanigans and Tomfoolery.

A few weeks ago, the Boss & Dufus Attorney went to Europe on a business trip.

I have to preface this with Dufus Attorney is the son of the founding partner of my firm, who is now retired.  Before he could retire, he had to bring in another attorney to run the firm because he could not leave it to DA.

Enter the Boss, who can overrule the two other senior partners should the need arise.  That has happened only a handful of times.

Anytime the Boss is away from the office for an extended period, he leaves the Protégé in charge.  The Protégé is a quiet attorney that works very closely with the Boss on a lot of cases.  A very quiet man, he's not really prone to getting angry over nothing.  Sometimes the Boss can be like that.  Eh.

Anywho. the day that they left. DA had his wife drive him into the office, since they were leaving from the office to get to the airport later.  He got out of the car with all his clothes bundled up in his arms.  I'm not kidding.  He wasn't packed or anything.  The suitcase was in his office.

It was the most disorganized I'd ever seen a person less than 6 hours before they were flying out.  The girls just looked at him & then each other, not quite believing what we were seeing.

Then he just dumped all his clothes in the suitcase and zipped it up.  No organization, no folding anything neatly.

Later from the airport, he called to say he had forgotten his tickets.   So the office manager emailed them to his phone to ensure he could get on the flight.

I have to say, I was kind of expecting another phone call, saying he had forgotten his passport.

That would have made for an EPIC story.

The best though was when his wife came in a few days later, asking if we could call him.  Apparently, she hadn't heard from her husband in days.

Strike two and counting?  They're set to go to Asia next month on another business trip.  Wonder if the Boss will feel like kicking him at that point.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I Am Not A Runner And The Mental Part of Maintaining.

But sometimes, I just act like one.  :-)

Me clowning around at work earlier Tuesday.  Contemplating said run.  And wasting time.  :-)  It's been a while since I've posted an obligatory selfie.

I've been wanting to shake up my fitness for a while now, and I've been toying with the idea of adding one running day a week as a way to crosstrain in between my Bootcamp days.

I hate running.  I really do.

There's nothing enjoyable I find about it.  Back when I lost weight in college (and then gained it all back) I literally ran my weight off.  And the whole time, I used running as a means to an end, nothing else.  I knew it was something I did not want to continue.

And it's only recently that I've begun thinking about incorporating it into my fitness regiment.  Only because my trainer thinks it'll help me get to the next level.  And by next level, I think he means shedding some extra inches.  And possibly allowing me to pull off those dang chin ups.

Because the weather has been nicer, I've been getting in some walking during lunch.  Tuesday was such a beautiful day that instead of going to Bootcamp, I decided to dangle my feet in the running pool and give it a whirl.

I huffed and puffed my way through a little more than 4 miles.  I thought I was going to die.  Or throw up.  Possibly both but definitely not in that order.

Here's a screen shot of my run from Runkeeper.

I ran a little more than 4 miles in 41:45.  Here's where running can come in handy for me.  While I don't particularly like it, I know it could potentially help me increase my endurance.  I'm not interested in running for speed as I know I'll never be a speedy runner.  But if I can increase my distance, and therefore my endurance, that might be something worth exploring.

Except I hate running.  So I'm not sure how to go about that.

(Sorry, Leigh - I tried to like it, just can't get into it!)

I've written before how I'm still finding my way around this whole maintenance thing.  My friend Brooke shared this link on Facebook today from Vogue about how maintaining a major weight loss is much harder than actually losing the weight.

You can find the link here.

I'm almost a year into maintenance, and almost 2 years holding off 100 pounds, and I've got to tell ya, I find it hard at times.

I know the basics.  Eat REAL FOOD.  Move your body.  Sleep.  Repeat.

The formula is not always quite so simple.  Especially when real life is factored in.  It is so much more mental than physical.  It truly has been for me.

There are moments when I can't get out of my own head.  There are moments where I take insignificant things and make them more significant than they deserve.  There are moments where I regret not having done or said something.  There are moments where I regret having said or done something.

And sometimes, when I feel that self-inflicted pressure mounting, my first impulse is to run into the kitchen and start scavenging.  Old habits die hard.  And slow.  But today and this whole week, I've been focusing on those new habits that go along with being at your goal weight.

Now you - have you read the article?

Do you believe maintaining your weight loss is more difficult than losing?

Monday, April 7, 2014

WI Results & Some Pics From the Weekend.

UYThis week just flew by, even with the dang unexpected snow we got on Monday. (Hello, spring!)  The weather did finally turn around midweek, allowing me to get some walking in at lunch.  They were much needed, and a big stress reliever.

Thursday, Rachel & I showed up at Bootcamp wearing similar workout gear.  We had to take a picture or else it didn't happen.  Right?  Hehe.

We matched down to the shoes!  No, we didn't plan it, it just happened.  Besides, pink is one of my favorite colors, so I have a lot of tanks & tops in that color.

I look at this picture, and my slight weight gain is so obvious to me.  Ooh, it haunts me, it does.  And I am trying to let it go while simultaneously putting the focus on losing those pounds again.

Am I being hard on myself?  I am my own worst critic.  But I do have some good news to report.

I was down a pound at WI this week.

8 pounds up from my lowest, but the silver lining is that I can get my butt in gear before the situation completely spiraled out of control.  Because that is just unacceptable to me.  Not after everything I've been through to get here.

It's that turning around and reigning it in that is so super important in this journey.  The few maintainers that I speak to always tell me they have gone through similar phases as well, but they always knock it off in time.  And normal weight fluctuation happens to the best of them, especially considering factors like muscle building, water retention, and if you're on certain meds that can spike your weight.

Remember that video of me attempting the elusive chin up?  The one where I dropped like a sack of potatoes because I was too exhausted concentrating on the "positive" to hold it?  Two of my Bootcamp buddies, Monica & Lori, approached me after Saturday's workout and cajoled me into attempting them again.  Yeah, I succumbed to the "peer pressure."  Monica was especially encouraging, telling me that I'm so so close, just try it one more time, Kel!

This was post Saturday Sweat workout, I was exhausted & completely wiped out, but as I walked over to the bar, they were both so encouraging and sweet.

And wouldn't you know it, I held my chin above the bar for a full 3 seconds before my upper body just gave.  It takes work to perform that move, I know it does.  I also know I'll get there sooner rather than later.  :-)

The weekend was beautiful.  Rather windy, but sunshine & clear skies for the most part.  I took advantage of the nice weather to hang with Lori at her parents' spa on Saturday.  She relaxed in the hot tub and we just talked & hung out.  It was nice.  Lori called me while I was already out and on the road, otherwise I would've joined her in the hot tub.  Next time.

Later I went for a walk to take advantage of the nice weather.  And I ran into my old friend Mia!

It's a shame that her gorgeous blue eyes didn't photograph well here, because they're so captivating.  Just look at this gorgeous creature!  And she's super friendly too.  I would've liked to have absconded with her, but unfortunately, her puppy dad is quite attached to her. I don't think he would've appreciated my puppy napping her.  :-)

Sunday was meal prep and cleaning the house day. I can't stress enough how important it is to plan your meals ahead of time.  I know it's not always doable for everyone, but try to get into the habit as much as possible.  I have roast chicken, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, and a zucchini casserole.  The zucchini casserole is Mom's recipe, and it's delicious!

A few of my Bootcamp buddies are running the Hance Family Foundation 5K on May 17 here on Long Island.  If you're local (the race will be in Floral Park), and you'd like to run/walk it with us, here's the link to register.  The Hance family lost their three daughters in that terrible car accident on the Taconic Parkway in 2009.  If you don't know the story, you can google for the details.  It was a pretty big story around here for a while.

Wanna do the 5K with me?  Let  me know!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

WI Results & Fitness Goals.

Hey hey hey!

I meant to write a short post over the weekend, but I never got around to it.

Ok, so let's get the WI out of the way.

This is the max I want to be at, which is 5 pounds over my old, highest "allowed" weight with Weight Watchers.  (Thanks, doctor's note!)  I am working my way back down into the 140s.  Thankfully, I'm not too far away from  that  right now.  I'm not worried about that though.  I know I'll get back there.

I'm really, really loving Bootcamp and the friends I've made there.  I can't believe I'm saying that, because I can remember how much I hated it when I started!  But I could recognize that Bootcamp was giving me the results that Bikram and working out at home weren't.

And then, I started making friends there.  I've met some really great people, and even though our trainers work us out like beasts, we love it.  And the making new friends bit is just an added bonus.

From left to right, me, the Bootcamp BFF, and my friend Brittany.  This was us being silly after an exceptionally brutal upper body workout.  We just felt like flexing.  :-)

I've been working towards doing an unassisted chin up, or pull up (whichever.)  I thought I had enough in the tank to get at least one, but I was wrong.


My trainer Salim tried to help.  But I had run out of gas after that workout on Monday.  I just couldn't do it.  Sad puppy.

My friend John has been telling me to focus on the "negative."  Just try to hold my chin above that bar, even if it's for a nanosecond.   And I have to keep practicing.  Every single day.  (Thanks for the encouragement, John!)

I was surprised I wasn't all that upset about it.   Normally I would've wallowed in the disappointment for a while, but I didn't this time.   It was more like I just have to keep pecking away and eventually I know I'll do it.

So it looks like I have another fitness goal.   Time to get it.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thursday Thoughts.

Back to basics around these here parts.  Going well, thank goodness, and my head is clearer.

The scale is going back down as we speak.  I don't know how much longer I will continue the daily weighing.  It tends to make me crazy, and then I get obsessed over it.  Which of course stems from my obese days and my disordered way of thinking about food.  Sigh.

Something else that's also been helping?  Bootcamp.  Ever since my trainer called me out (his saying that I had lost my focus was way worse than saying I looked fat - I could feel the disappointment in his words), I'm back in vigilance mode.  Back to planning and prepping my meals.  Back to tracking everything.  Back to working out on a consistent basis.  Which is how it needs to be since this first year of maintenance is so critical.

As an aside, and this has nothing to do with anything I was just talking about - Jeannette, I can totally give you a run for your money on the crazy hair.   Today, the frizz was EPIC.  I'm talking crazy cat lady hair.  The only things missing were 3 or 4 cats hanging from me like The Simpsons character.  I'm not kidding.  :-)

Back to the topic at hand - I've been talking to Sarah a lot lately about maintaining.  Since she's been holding off 200 pounds for almost 10 years, I know she's an excellent resource of knowledge and information.  One of the things she's told me is that I MUST learn to live with food.  Bad choices are all around us - we have to learn to deal with the food that is around us and move on.  Especially since we won't always be able to control what goes in and out of our environments.

Ugh, the control issue.   That's an entirely separate post.  :-(

In the end, it is just food.  And it only has the power over us that we choose to give it.  Dealing and living with food without going off the rails comes over time.  It does not happen for us right away, especially those of us who have dropped a ton of weight.  It comes with time and practice.

What works for me is being consistently Primal/Paleo.  My protein smoothies are not strict Paleo, because of the Designer Whey Protein powder I use.  And of course, the half n half in my morning cafecito.  Other than that, I know if I stick to the plan, I feel better, my body feels great, and my clothes fit me like a glove.  As it is, certain work pants are fitting tight.   No bueno, so I'm glad I was able to cut the crap before it got entirely out of hand.

I'm up about 10 pounds from my lowest.  I can feel it, I can.  And it's noticeable.  To me anyway.  And no, it is so not muscle, mkay?  It's the direct result of BS eating, not caring about the BS eating, and not moving.

I'll post a weigh in update on Saturday.  Which reminds me, I got a note from my doctor stating that a higher weight was acceptable for me.  I handed it in to the receptionist at Weight Watchers last week.  It'll take a lot of the pressure off and give me a wider range.  When you lose a ton of weight, the healthy weight range should be more than 2 or 3 pounds above or below your chosen goal weight.  Every successful 100 pound+ loser I know has told me that.  Which admittedly, are 3 or 4 people.  But since they know their stuff and have maintained their weight loss for a while, I'll take their word for it.

Now you:  If you've lost a lot of weight, what is your healthy weight range?  5 pounds? 10?  More?

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Note To Self.

So you've been skirting around eating Paleo/Primal lately.  And it's starting to show.  To the point where even your trainer called you out on Saturday for having lost your spark.  "You're a role model, Kel," is what he said.

And sometimes, that's what it takes to turn yourself around and cut it out already.

Being a role model is an honor and a privilege.  It's not something anyone should ever take for granted or take lightly.

So.  It ends.  The nonsense eating, the feeling deflated because of one single plastic surgeon, the blaming it on a tough winter - it's done.

And she's back.  :-)

(Japanese Proverb)

Thursday, March 20, 2014

My First Plastic Surgery Consult.

I took the day off from work on Tuesday and went into the city.  I had my first ever plastic surgery consult.  I wasn't nervous at all about it.

I surprised myself by that.  I guess I was ok with not knowing what to expect.  Either that or the importance of the appointment itself hadn't hit me yet.

But I left disappointed.  The doctor, who was a man, was very polite, very professional, and very clear and concise in his explanations.  He was patient in answering all of my questions (and I had a LOT of questions) but in the end, I just didn't feel that we clicked.

And it didn't help when he pointed out that I would "need a lot of work done."  I'm the first to admit that I've completely wrecked my body having ever gotten that heavy, but man, that was harsh.  Harsh to hear.

I left there feeling bad about my body.  When I should've felt the complete opposite.

I've had friends tell me to shop around.  That is so important to find the right doctor that you connect with.  And maybe I'll do that.  But not now.

And, it would've been nice if he had said something like I would look awesome afterwards.  Or that after all my hard work to get the weight off, I deserved this.

None of that happened.

It was just very textbook and clinical.  Not a bad thing, but not for me.

Plus the fact that apparently, my health insurance in all likliehood would not cover the procedures.  Yes, procedures.  It would be a huge financial responsibility without health insurance covering it (up to $15K, possibly more.)  He said that the midsection would be one surgery, and the thighs would have to wait because you can't have skin pulling in opposing directions.  Something about the blood flow and tissue there.

I had wanted to have both done in the same day to get it over with, but he wouldn't do that.

I left the office struggling to fight the tears.  I was soooo disappointed.  When I got home, I canceled my other consult that I had scheduled with a different doctor.  And then I read the rest of my library stash.  I finished A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.  Not exactly a cheery novel to read on the heels of such bitter disappointment at the doctor's office. But I loved the book nonetheless.

So now, I'm debating on even getting a second opinion and going to see another plastic surgeon.  I know I should shop around and not let one doctor dictate how I go about this.  But man, that was harsh.  I need to work on not being so darn sensitive all the time.

But I don't know.  Even if I found a great doctor tomorrow, I don't exactly have an extra $15K laying around.  So, for now, I remain uncertain about doing it.

Never say never though.

Thursday, March 13, 2014


I'm here!  Can ya'll see me???  *Waves

(Since when am I the person that says "ya'll?"  K has been having an influence on me, evidently.)

Monday night, I finally got to speak with Beth, whom I am presenting with at Fitbloggin!  It was great talking to her.  We clicked right away, and I am super excited about our discussion.  There's not a whole lot out there about maintenance or getting to goal, and this is something we both feel should be talked about more.

As an aside, it's a small world.  Her mother grew up in Syosset here on Long Island, which is not too far from me at all.  Beth is from CT.

After talking to her about her own skin removal/plastic surgery, I decided to FINALLY bite the bullet and start making doctor appointments.  Yesterday, I scheduled my first consult, and I literally just finished scheduling my second consult with a different doctor.

Right now, I'm still in the planning phase, and Beth reiterated that it is super important to click with your doctor.  Sarah told me that as well.

I have to remember that nothing has been decided yet, and therefore, I shouldn't be as nervous about it as I am now.  These are just preliminary consultations.  But I would be lying to myself if I didn't admit that I know the consultations are the first step in this process.

Beth and Sarah both told me having the plastic surgery were the best things and the best decisions they ever made.  The pain is not permanent, and the results they got were worth of every single second of pain and discomfort.

My only concern is having someone around to help me out.  As you know, Mom & Dad have their own health issues and are therefore not an option.  We'll see.  This is definitely a con.

I wouldn't feel right asking a friend to take time off from work to help me post-op.  And my brother lives an hour from me, with 2 little ones at home, so again, not really an option.

And my health insurance would cover this as long as it is medically necessary and they receive all medical documents.  Pro.  Definitely a pro.

Work hasn't been quite as crazy this week, and I'm giving thanks to the work gods because of that. Phew.

So the process begins on the skin front, and I'll keep you updated.  Both consults are scheduled for next week.