Thursday, May 31, 2012

Day 908 - It's An Obsession.

Yes, I have an obsession with Victoria's Secret.

I admit this freely.

You see, when you haven't been able to fit into their clothes or shop there in almost 10 years, you tend to go a tiny, little bit crazy.  And by little crazy, I mean all out batshit.

Especially since I think I may need to get new bras now - again.  I'm down almost 20 lbs from the last time I bought bras, and I need to get measured again.  Have to keep everything looking as good as possible.  And with their semi-annual sale just around the corner, well - perfect opportunity, right?

To show you just how obsessed I am with this place, here is what I wore to work today.
Victoria's Secret red wrap tie dress, in a size Medium!!!

I love it!  And apparently, red is my color too now.  Along with teal, and black.  But black looks good on everybody.

Hear that, Draz?  Apparently, I must buy more things in red now.  Along with teal.

I got lots of compliments at work about this dress.  5 of the girls I work with told me I looked really pretty and red is my color.  :-)

Speaking of work, I had to ask one of the attorneys a question about a bill.  That somehow turned into a 20 minute discussion on The Walking Dead.  True story.  Don't ask.  I'm not really sure how it happened.  And he looked my dress over too.  If this particular attorney weren't such a dufus, I might've actually felt repulsed.  And disgusted, although they kinda mean the same thing.

When I posted this photo on Facebook, Tammy asked me about the dress code at work.  As long as we don't wear jeans or sweat pants, and all body parts are properly covered up, we're good to go.  And yes, I did have a black shrug/cardigan to "cover up" a little more.  But it was really warm today, and the AC was not cutting it. So for the most part, this is how I looked today.

The problem with the clothes that I buy is that they fit me fine everywhere except in the chest area.  It's either too tight there, or it doesn't cover up enough.  It gets sooooo annoying.  I had to keep pulling up part of the top to make sure my damn bra (or anything else important) wasn't showing.  Grr....

Sexy instructor was leading the Bikram session tonight.  Hells yeah!

My neck was really sore tonight for some reason.  I couldn't let my head drop back during the first breathing exercise tonight because it hurt so bad.  I didn't feel anything wrong with it during the day at all.   It was only tonight at Bikram.  I'm going to take some Advil and try to not to sleep so twisted tonight.

I was a sweaty mess!

When I go to Bikram, I try not to think about anything other than performing the postures correctly.  Or as correctly as my body will allow.  Tree pose, and toe stand, besides making me want to cry because I just can't perform them the way they are supposed to be performed, only serve to remind me over and over again of just how inadequate, flawed, and weak my body is.  As much weight as I've lost, my stomach and my thighs still get in the way of everything I try to do.  And then all these other negative thoughts start creeping into my head.  Which is what happened tonight.

Thoughts that I just can't share.

Negative thoughts that I overanalyze and probably blow out of proportion because that's what I do.  I internalize everything, don't like talking about anything ever, and proceed to make mountains out of molehills.  Which I think is what I'm doing.

And I get reminded all over again of just how broken I've been feeling lately.

Just want it to all go away already.  It's a complete waste of time and energy, feeling this way.

I walked out of the studio, head down, not looking at anyone, just wanting to get out of there and to my car, and then Tommy said good night to me.   Which made me feel really bad, so I looked up and mustered up a fake smile and said good night.

Today was up & down for me.  It started off really good, I was feeling so great, I loved my red dress, and then..... just down.  Ugh.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and went over my points by 1.  I'm good with that.

Bed soon because I am exhausted.

Good choices!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Day 907 - Very Dangerous Information.

So I get home from work, open my mailbox, and you wouldn't believe what greeted me:

In my hands, this could be some very dangerous information.  I make no secret of the fact that I have currently developed an obsession with Victoria's Secret.  Their bras keep my tatas looking amazing.  (Seriously, who goes from a D to a DD after losing a boatload of weight?  Who still has their amazing tatas after losing a boatload of weight?  Me, apparently.  Would that all women had that problem, I know.)

And their clothes do a great job of accentuating my voluptuous figure.

And now their stuff is on sale.  Very dangerous indeed.  Somebody stop me.

Speaking of which, I think I need to get new bras anyway.  I think I might have gone down at least a band size.

I can hear my credit card rebelling in my wallet as we speak.

I do not have any, um . . . . what's the word I'm looking for?  Self restraint.  I got none of that.

And yes, there might be SOMETHING in my shopping bag on the website as we speak.

God help us all.

I'm sure the world is a better place now that you all know this.  :-)

I've been forcing myself into a better mood all day today.  I've needed to do a lot of self positive talking today.  More so than usual.  It helps, but sometimes, it's just not enough for me.  I'm struggling with that today.  But I think I'll be ok.

I always come out on top.

Even when I feel like I'm drowning.

Even when I feel like I'm broken.

My lower body, especially my glutes and thighs, have been feeling sore since Monday night.  So I decided to go really heavy with upper body tonight.  I wanted to kill it.  I started with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill.  The incline helps to remove some of the jiggle from my glutes.  And then I did The Firm Parts Upper Body.  I added another 10 minutes of heavy biceps, upright rows, delt flys, and subponeting  military presses.  I also did 100 side bends with 5 lb weights (50 on each side), 50 crunches, and 50 reverse crunches.  I burned 501 calories.

I was soaked to the core in my own sweat.  Kinda loving the feeling too.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I know I deserve everything I want.  I can see, and I have to believe that it's in my future.  Because I know it is.  I feel it.  I believe it.

Bad reality TV, then food prep.

Good choices!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Day 906 - A quick word about my BFF & Bikram.

I said I couldn't talk about certain things that Wendy & I discussed last night.  That is still true.  Her struggles she confided in me will remain between me and her, no one else.  But there are other things that I'd like to share, that I can share that will give you a little insight about why she is important to me.  Even though I've been shutting her out.

For example, when I told her in detail my reasons for wanting to turn to science to have my babies, you know what she said to me?

"Kel, you wouldn't be raising a baby on your own - you'd have me!  And I'll go with you to all of your doctor's appointments, too!"

I mean, honestly.  She is just amazing.   I don't know why I've been holding myself back from sharing these really important things from her.  I guess I just don't want to face the reality and the emotions that come with talking about some of the major decisions I've made about what I want.  I can't just shrink into myself like that and shut everyone out, especially her.  But I do know I'm not going to do it anymore.  She's my best friend in the whole world for a reason.  I would be completely lost without her.

As if I need to make her sound anymore saintly, she told me about something she said recently to her husband about me.  She told him that she liked having her friends, but as long as she had me as her friend, that's all she really cared about, that's all she needed.

I spent a lot of this conversation just bawling.

Apparently, everything that I wasn't feeling when I was 100 pounds heavier is being brought to the surface now.  It's like that extra weight was shielding me from actually feeling anything real.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I'm getting real tired of it, no doubt.  It's too much for me to handle sometimes.  I think I liked it better when I wasn't feeling a whole lot.  Le sigh.  This whole feeling things and being in touch with your damn emotions totally sucks.

I'm trying so hard to be as positive as possible lately, and I suppose, or at least I hope, that what I'm feeling now (in terms of being more aware of my feelings) is another step in the right direction.  I don't expect to let this rawness take over me completely and have it last forever.  I can't be a happy person that way.  So for now, I'm just trying to deal with it, feel whatever I'm feeling, and move the hell on already.

I've received some awesome emails over the weekend from some of my blog readers (I have readers!), and I always appreciate them.  I do always try to respond to them in a timely manner.  And Rhonda, you were so sweet in your email.  But I am far from being famous!  :-)

The Bikram schedule changed again (what else is new) but in a good way.  Sexy instructor was leading the session tonight.  Score!  So I headed on over, with a clear head and a clear soul, and I gave it everything I had.  It helped that the studio was not too crowded, and I placed my mat in the very front again.  I'm getting more and more comfortable with that.  I was sweating even before the session started, and it felt good.
Today was just a much better and clearer day.  I believe in thinking positively, formulating and visualizing your desires and goals in your mind, feeling and believing it is possible, and then letting the Universe do the rest.  This has worked for me the last 6 months or so, when I've moved out, purchased my apartment, and started really shedding the weight.

In terms of the guy I mentioned - I know what I want in my heart and soul.  The Universe will take care of the rest.

My appetite somewhat returned today.  I guess going back to work helped.  Tracked everything, stayed within my points, and got in all my requirements.

Ooh, the white goddess dress arrived, and I keep forgetting to take and post a photo of it!  I will do that tomorrow, I promise.  It's still in the box and everything.  LOL.

Food prep, then catching up on blogs.

Good choices!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Day 905 - Talking It Out.

I am feeling so much better today about a lot of things.  I literally just got off the phone with Wendy, and we've talked about everything.  I pretty much unloaded all of my crap, and like any supportive BFF (I swear she has the patience of a saint when it comes to me) she listened attentively, let me cry it out, cried with me, gave me helpful tips, and unloaded her crap too.  We cried together some more, too.  Phew.  That was a lot to get out tonight.

It really helps knowing that even though she and I are not blood related at all, we are a part of each other's families.  She is my family, and I am hers.  It's nice knowing that.   :-)

I apologized to her for excluding her from some of the most important aspects of my life, and wouldn't you know it, she was so understanding.  Which of course made me feel even more guilty, even when she kept telling me there was nothing for me to feel guilty about.

Yup, she's definitely a saint.

We talked for almost an hour, and it was everything we both needed.  Exactly what we both needed.  She and I have different struggles, but we both have struggles.

I apologized to her over and over for being a horrible friend to her.  And wouldn't you know it, she said there was no need to apologize.

BFFs are understanding like that.  :-)

I'm not going to discuss everything that we talked about because you guys don't need to know that.  ;-)

We're both doing better.

And I need to stop internalizing everything and stop keeping everything bottled up.  It's so bad to keep everything to myself, I know it is, and this is something she told me tonight.

How to work on something like that?  I have no idea.

Especially when I think to myself that no one would really want to hear it anyway.  Yes, I know how sad that sounded. 

In the end, it felt so good and so damn cathartic to talk it out.

About the guy - shrug.  Nothing is happening on that end.  Tried, maybe he didn't even notice, maybe he has no clue, maybe he's not interested, maybe I'm not his type - but in the end, it doesn't really matter.  And I'm done talking about that particular issue.  I will not discuss it again.

Ok, enough about that.  Let me rewind a little and tell you about my day.  Because it was going to be a nice sunny day, I wanted to head to the beach and work on fixing my pale pastiness.  But I couldn't do that until I got in a workout.  I opted for a killer leg workout.  I started with 22 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Parts Standing Legs.  I heavied up on the weights and I almost died.  Holy %&#!, my legs and thighs felt like jelly!  Lots of leg presses, lunges, squats, and dips in this one.   The treadmill and the DVD came out a little less than an hour of workout time, and I like to workout for at least an hour, so I added a few extra minutes of deadlifts, plie squats, and regular squats.   Good Lord, it was tough!  I burned 736 calories.

Soaked in my own sweat and funkiness.  With a smile on my face too.

I went to the beach, enjoyed the sun and the humidity, and finished reading 50 Shades of Grey.  Um, oh my. I was riveted.  And I can't wait to start reading the second book!

After the beach, I went to my Mom & Dad's for a bit, then I hit Macy's to take a little look see at the sale.  I didn't find anything so I walked out empty handed.  But not before taking a photo of what I wore.

Striped, empire BCBG MaxAzria dress.  I've had this dress forever, I just haven't been able to wear it in forever.  It's not outdated at all, right?  Pink, sparkly slip ons are from Chinese Laundry.

I felt so pretty wearing it.  So girly.  Drazil - can you see my tiny little Coach bag perched on the bench?  ;-)

Solid day.  Still not much of an appetite though.  Tracked everything, stayed under my points, and got in almost all of my requirements.  I was lacking on grains today.  But that's what happens when you're like me and internalize everything, probably blowing it out of porportion.

Need to hit the sack soon since I go back to work tomorrow.

Good choices!

Day 904 - Bikram, Beach And Something More Personal.

So the 8 AM Bikram session?  So did not happen.  I was up late last night, and didn't get up til past 8.  Oops.  I went to the 10 AM session instead.  I'm glad I did.  The studio was not packed, and this way, I got  the workout done & out of the way fairly early.

The bad thing is I stretched my right IT band again attempting to perform that damn tree posture.  Seriously, that posture is the bane of my existence.   This is what happens when I try to push my body past its limits. I was lifting my right leg up and attempting to place my right foot really high onto my hip like you're supposed to.  I was pushing my right knee down when I felt that twinge.  It didn't last very long at all, but I had to get out of the posture immediately.  I got scared for a minute because I didn't know what to expect.  I couldn't put any weight on my right leg or right foot at all.  Great, I was convinced that I had seriously injured myself.  The good thing was that right after that posture, we had to go into a 2 minute savasana or break, where you lay on the floor.  Thank goodness for that.  The savasana was just what I needed at that time.  I don't feel anything in my right thigh now, so I'm ok.

Drenched.  And kinda happy about it too.  LOL.

I headed to the beach and stayed there for a few hours while I read 50 Shades of Grey.  I'm halfway done with it.  It's definitely an, um, interesting read.  I was so distracted reading it that my flawless legs got sunburned!  LOL.  I'm going to finish reading the rest of it tomorrow.

I was upset about something that happened - or in this case, didn't happen.

Ok - here it is.  I have feelings for someone - someone really great, really different and someone really special.   He's kind and sweet and witty and intelligent.  But I don't think my feelings are reciprocated.  I don't think he feels the same way.  I don't even know if he knows that I like him.  I say this because it's a universal truth that men have absolutely no clue.  Whatsoever.  Don't try to convince me otherwise - sometimes, you guys are just completely clueless.  And that just boggles my mind.

So I was feeling a little hurt and broken.  Just broken.  It's taken me a long time to come to this realization, and I guess the reason why is I've always kind of known that he doesn't feel the same way, I just didn't want to think it might be true.   But he's not making a move, hasn't made a move, and he's not going to make a move.  If he were interested, he would have by now.  So, that's my answer.  Just because it's not the one I want doesn't make it any less true.   And it doesn't make it hurt any less.

It's a little more complicated than that (what guy situation isn't, these days?!) but that's the gist of it.  For whatever reason, I'm not his type, or he doesn't think of me that way, or he just doesn't like me.  So there you have it.

I've shared more than I wanted to about it.  Maybe I said too much about it.  But it's my truth.  And you have no idea how badly I want to hit the delete button right now.  But I won't.  And that's as much of my guts I'm ever going to spill.

But something good did come out of all this. . . .

Miss April called me!!!  I miss her like crazy, and I think the Universe told her to call me today of all days for a reason.  Ellie, thank you for listening to all my sh*t tonight.  Talking it out with you tonight really, really helped me.  And I'm glad you talked to me about your stuff too.  Love you like crazy, girl.  :-)  Ellie, anytime you need someone to listen, anytime you need to talk about anything, just pick up the phone and call me.  Anytime.

Isn't it funny how that works?  I swear the Universe does work in mysterious ways.  It has put fantastic people into my life.  People I have never met, and yet I feel this kindred connection with.  Like you too, Drazil.  I know there is a bigger reason why you are in my life.  I don't know what that reason is either, but I'm glad I know you.  :-)

My biggest problem still is allowing myself to open up.  I try really hard with this, I struggle with it, and I've talked about that before.   Even though I'm  really happy that I've met fantastic people thru my blog, through Twitter & Facebook, I feel really guilty sometimes that I can share things with total strangers that I can't share with my best friend.  I feel that I've neglected her lately, that I have shut her out deliberately, and that brings on a whole new level of guilt.  Because she tells me all the time that I can tell her anything, that she'll always listen, and that she'll always be there for me.  I know that's true, but my weight loss, my weight problem and my problem with food are things she will never understand.  That's why I don't talk to her about any of it.  I just can't.

So I sent her a text, asking if I could call her.  There are a lot of things that I have not told her, things I can share so easily with other people and not her.  I feel terrible about that, I really do.  Because by not telling her certain things, certain IMPORTANT things, I'm excluding her from my life.  And I don't want to alienate my oldest and dearest friend in the world.  She is away until tomorrow night, so I'll talk to her then.

And to make me feel even more guilty, she texted me back that I never have to ask if it's ok to call her - I can call her anytime!  I still haven't discussed at length with her my decision to turn to science to get my babies, and I need to.  She knows I won't talk about it until I'm ready.  The guilt is just piling on, the way she doesn't pressure me, and I feel awful about it.

I know it's a defense mechanism, this thing I'm doing.  It's still there.  And it's even more present now because I'm shedding my protective fat layer.  If I keep people  - not just my BFF, but people in general - at arms length and don't share certain things with them, then I'm protecting myself from being hurt or hearing things I don't want to hear.  I hate that I still do that.  And I hate that I feel that I still need to protect myself from being hurt when I know that it's just better for me to put myself out there and take a risk every once in a while.

I'm still fighting like hell to change that.  It's hard, but life is hard.  We all just have to deal with it.

I didn't have much of an appetite today, so I didn't eat much.  That NEVER happens.  Like I said, I was upset, but talking to Ellie about it has made it a lot better.  Stepping out of your comfort zone is never an easy thing, and talking about what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking is stepping out of it - for me.  I've said before that I'm an old fashioned kinda girl.  I prefer to just keep my feelings to myself and bottled up.

I'm feeling a lot better about it now, but a year ago, I would've dove headfirst into some awful things.  Tonight, I just had zero appetite.  A year ago, I would never have talked about why I was upset with anyone - or written it here on my blog.  Ellie, you helped me so much tonight!  Thank you!

I'm exhausted, so I need to wrap this one up.

Good choices!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Day 903 - WI Results & More Green.

Last week's weight:  170.2 lbs.
This week's weight:  169.2 lbs.

I lost another pound this week!  I am 7 pounds away from receiving my 100 pound charm and magnet from Weight Watchers.  I know I'll be hitting getting them very soon!

I took a rest day today.  I worked out 5 days in a row, and it was time to give my body a break.   But I did bust out 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches, and 50 rope climbers.  Also, those weighted side bends I did last night really work!  My obliques totally felt sore today - good deal.  :-)

The plan was to head to the beach and get some rays, some color for my pale skin (especially my legs!)  Unfortunately, the beaches weren't opening til 3 PM.  I got there at 12:30.  What a bummer.  I went to my Mom & Dad's for a bit, then I got antsy.  So I stopped by TJ Maxx.  For my British readers (the one or two that I might have) you guys know it over there as TK Maxx.  I always found that strange.

I needed to get a new bathing suit because the one I had from my smaller days just fit me all wrong.  There was no support from the shelf bra and the straps stretched out to a ridiculously long length.  Everything was just all wrong.  I also needed to get a coverup.

I swear I meant to walk out of there with just those two things.  And then, something caught my eye.  And Drazil - I'm totally blaming you again.  I don't care that you weren't with me and had no idea that I was shopping yet again.   It's just your fault.  Because God forbid I should accept responsibility for my own actions.  :-)

Emerald green, knotted dress from Calvin Klein.  In a size 10!!!  Can you believe that?  Because I can't.  The knot below the neckline is so cute.  It draws attention to my best assets, I think.  :-)

Can you see the lady that was in the fitting room with me?  Her reflection is in the mirror.   I was looking at myself from behind to see how it fit back there, and she said to me,

"That's a great color on you.  It looks so good!"

Sweet, right, saying that to a complete stranger?  So I thanked her (after I got over my initial surprise) and returned the compliment to her, saying the purple top she was wearing suited her really well.  Purple is one of my favorite colors.  Ever.

Yes, I bought the dress.  I couldn't resist.  I think I'll wear this with my Colombian emeralds.  :-)

I was wearing this maxi dress today.  I haven't worn it yet nor posted a photo of it either.

Black, empire maxi dress from Old Navy.  It drags on the floor.  And I had to wear a safety pin so that my bra wouldn't show, which it is anyway.  Manufacturers do not make maxi dresses for voluptuous women.  Or petite women either, for that matter.  I'm going to have to wear a camisole underneath it now, which I feel totally defeats the purpose.  What a bummer.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and I went over my points by 8.  I'm ok with that, as I didn't eat anything outrageous.  And I tracked it too, so I'm good.

The plan for tomorrow is to try to get up early to hit the 8 AM Bikram session.  No sexy instructor this time, but at least if I go at the crack of dawn, I get the workout done and over with early.  And it leaves me free to enjoy the rest of the day, which I plan to spend at the beach.  Reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I can't wait to see what all the fuss has been about!

I'm happier now than I have been in a long time.  As happy as I am about all the great changes that have positively affected my life, I still get really lonely sometimes.  I don't talk about it much either with my real life friends or on here, but it's something I think about it every now and then.  But I guess feeling lonely is to be expected, since losing weight can be and feel very lonely.  Right?  I don't know.

I am open to new things.  I am changing.  I am still a work in progress.  And I know that wonderful things are directly in store for me soon.  I can feel it.   And I deserve it.  :-)

Good choices!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Day 902 - On Teal & Last Chance Workout.

What did you guys think of my tongue ring?  Unexpected for me, right?  ;-)

Drazil - this is all your fault.

That's right, I'm blaming you.  I don't care that I've never met you - it's all your fault, honey.  :-)

You just HAD to mention it on your blog yesterday, didn't you?  You just HAD to suggest I look good in it, didn't you?  :-)  I'm talking about the color teal, people.

Who wouldn't look good in teal, right?

I am now officially obsessed the color teal.  And today, I mozied on over to and bought this dress.  A teal dress, size medium, that I don't really need and will not affect my minimum monthly credit card payment one bit!

It's so cute!

Oh, and I may have inadvertently gotten one of my coworkers hooked onto this website.  She had never heard of it before, which I found shocking.  Today, she was on it a lot, browsing hurling accusations my way of enabling her shopping addiction.  Huge my bad.  Sorry, yo.  Anywho, when it arrives I'll try it on and post a pic.

Thanks a ton, Drazil.  Enabler.  :-)

Speaking of pics, because I've become such a sickening camera whore lately, here's what I wore to work today.  (Who is this person I have become recently?  Not the girl who would've willingly scratched her own eyes out than be in a photo.)

Sleeveless, indigo top with a ruched neckline from Banana Republic.  It's cute, right?

I was in the mood to do heavy total body strength today.  Don't ask me why.  I just was.  After 23 minutes on the inclined treadmill, I did The Firm Bootcamp, Part I.  Lots of strength in this one.  I decided to add another 15 minutes onto my workout, to get my calorie burn up.  Heavy squats, military press, bench press, rib cage pullovers, standing leg repeaters to work the core, weighted side bends, and a 45 second full form plank that almost killed me.   My whole body was shaking, I'm not kidding.  But I burned 537 calories.

That sweat is humidity enhanced.  The weather here in NY absolutely refuses to clear up.  More haze, more rain today.  Although the sun did try to peek out from behind the clouds for about 5 whole minutes today, so I guess that is some kind of improvement.  Really hope the weather is nice tomorrow so I can hit the beach and work on tanning my pale legs. 

Solid day.  Tracked everything, stayed within my points, and got in all of my requirements.

WI is tomorrow, and I am confident I will see a loss.  I'm feeling good about it.

Have to watch the latest episode of Deadliest Catch, read a few blogs, and tidy up the joint.

Any of you watch The Devil's Ride?  I watch it because I really miss Sons of Anarchy.  It's good, I watch it, because I need to add the list of reality shows that I already watch.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

Good choices!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Day 901 - Something Has Come Over Me.

I'm not really sure what has come over me lately in regards to working my core.  In the last week or so, I've had random bursts of energy where I get up from my desk, sneak into the empty office or the basement/filing area, and get down and dirty with some crunches.  Don't ask me why.  Like I said, I have no idea.  It's a complete mystery to me.

I did 100 regular crunches followed by 100 reverse crunches in the empty office.   Later, I went downstairs and held a full form plank for 45 seconds.  I counted in my head and my entire body was shaking after the first 10 or 15 seconds.  After lunch, I went downstairs again (seriously, who am I and who has taken over my body) with my awesome Droid because I just discovered it has a stopwatch, and held a full form plank for an entire minute.

Later (seriously, was my coffee this morning laced with some hidden pharmaceutical that I didn't know about?) back into the empty office I went, to do 100 side bends, or 50 on each side.  These work the obliques, and they work your obliques better if I had light dumbbells, which I did not. Oh well.

Me - the girl who absolutely, positively, cannot stand working her midsection.  The girl who thinks her midsection is a complete disaster area.  All of a sudden, I want to work my core more.

Yup.  Something fo sho' has come over me and I'm not sure what it is.

I'm very lucky that I can walk away from my desk and just disappear for a few minutes without anyone questioning me.

I'm also extremely lucky that NO ONE from work reads my blog.  Or even knows about it, for that matter.  I think I'd be in a whole boatload of trouble otherwise!  My bad.  Hehe.

More rain, more humidity, more no me gusta weather.  Saturday and Monday are supposed to be nice, and Sunday is still kinda iffy. Ugh.

I ever tell you guys about my tongue ring?  I got my tongue pierced my last year in college.

Technically, it's a barbell, according to newly minted marathon runner Tara.

And apparently, teal green is my color.  Who'da thunk?

Anywho, I headed to the 8 PM Bikram session with sexy instructor.  Luckily, they didn't change the schedule 10 times like they did last week.

In keeping with the whole "something has come over me" theme, tonight, for the first time ever, I placed my yoga mat & towel in the very front row, directly in front of the studio mirrors.

I've NEVER done that.  I've never even wanted to do that before.  But tonight, I chose to take yet another step forward.

I usually like to be in the 3rd row, with the wall to my left so that I'm next to only 1 person on my right.  But the studio was not quite so packed tonight, there was a space right in front so that I could see how badly or well I was performing the postures, so I figured, why not?

That may not sound like a big deal to a lot of you, but for me - this is HUGE.  The girl who doesn't like to ever be noticed took a spot right in the front of the studio.

Slowly, but surely.

I felt really good tonight in class.  I think I might be starting to perform the postures better.  Eagle & tree pose still get me so damn frustrated.  Best not to even talk about that right now since I'm in a surprisingly good mood for no apparent reason.

And I worked really hard.  When you can taste your own sweat because it's pouring into your eyeballs and twisting its way down from your face to your throat, you know you're working hard.  Hand to God, that happened to me tonight.

Drenched to the core in my own funkiness.  Who says sweat isn't beautiful?

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I think they'll let us out of work early tomorrow, so I'm going to pack my yoga stuff on the off chance that sexy instructor will be leading the 4 PM session.  As of now, he's not scheduled to do so, but you never know.  Even if he doesn't lead it, I may go anyway.  I'm still up in the air about it, so we'll see.

Heading to bed soon after I check out some blogs.

Good choices!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Day 900 - Still a Work in Progress.

Much better day today.

I am still a work in progress.  I will always be a work in progress.  And I must accept that.

Reesie - you brought up a good point in your comment.  And it got me thinking.  But before I go on, first, I'm sorry that you've had to battle bulimia.  :-(  That made me sad.  Secondly, I myself have never had that specific struggle.  But you are right in that some of the thought processes in wanting to sweating it out (aka, purging) are very similar.  I never misunderstood what you were trying to say there.  If you what you said can help someone else, that's excellent.  I'm still thinking about your comment, and I might have more to say about it in the future.  For now - we're good.  Mkay?  :-)

A lot of you said I was being too hard on myself.  Ok, I can see why people would say that. It's not like I will never have a piece of cake or chocolate or brownie ever again for the rest of my life.  There are things like social events and kids birthday parties to consider, since I am an aunt to two little ones.

I know myself.  I knew I'd want to eat everything under the sun after I inhaled those brownies.  I didn't, it took colossal self control, but let me put it to you this way:  If you know that touching a hot stove barehanded will burn your hand, would you do it?

Of course not.  I mean, who would do that?  Well, maybe Sh*tty would, if only to prove that the stove would have too much respect for him to actually burn him.  I swear he's like that guy in the Dos XX commercials - the most interesting man in the world.  :-)

P.S. - thanks for the advice, Sh*tty.  Apparently according to Sh*tty, I must threaten each of you who follow my blog to change the title on your blog rolls from my old one to the new one.  Not the dashboard, the blog roll.  So um. . . you guys better do it, mkay?  (That's me, threatening you guys.  Hehe.)  Sharon, it is possible for you to change it - Sh*tty did.

Essentially, I burned my hand yesterday.  And now I am done rehashing this.  I've accepted it, owned up to it, and have moved on.  Like I said, today was much better.

I wanted to get in a quick but effective workout today.   I started it really late - later than usual, so I needed to pick something that packed a punch.  I started with 23 minutes on the inclined treadmill, and I increased the speed one higher.  Then I did The Firm Power Sculpt Workout with Allie del Rio.  Including the short abdominal section at the end - which I have NEVER done before.  I added a quick 10 minutes of wide squats, dips, overhead press, bicep curls, lunges, and upright rows.  So much for quick since I worked out for 50 minutes.  But I burned 407 calories.  

I was pouring sweat the whole time, which you can see here.  It was really humid today, and I've been using extra leave-in conditioner and Curls Rock to combat the frizz.  My curls do not appreciate the weather NY has been experiencing lately.  No me gusta.

No trigger foods today, no self sabotaging feelings either.  Tracked everything, stayed within my points, and got in all of my requirements.

If you don't follow Tara's blog, you must.  You're missing out.  Girlfriend ran her first marathon this weekend in Canadian land.  Oh, and she's lost and maintained over 100 lbs!  You must read her recap - it will bring tears to your eyes, like it did me.  Although you can't really go by me, since I've been pretty much an emotional sap lately.  Tara, I am so freaking proud of you!  I can't wait to meet you & Meegan at FitBloggin' in September!

Food prep, awful reality TV and sleep are in store for me tonight.  Yes, I'm totally watching the Duck Dynasty season finale.  Sue me.  :-)

Good choices!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Day 899 - Full Disclosure - I Am Still Vulnerable.

I have a quick question for all of you who are way more technically savvy than myself.  I've noticed that when I changed the title of my blog and bought my own domain name, blog rolls on other blogs still have me listed under my old blog name.

Anyone know how I can change that?  Is it something I can do on my end or do other bloggers need to change it on their own blog rolls?  Let me know, please - I'd really appreciate it.  Thanks!

Full disclosure coming up.  Someone brought orange zest mini brownies into the office today.  And yes, they taste as good as they sound - freaking tasty.  Apparently, some event/party was postponed yesterday due to the awful rainy weather currently in NY.   I passed by them, intending to pick up one and be done with it.  That led to 3, which led to 6 before it even registered in my head what I had just done.  Because the girl who brought them in cut them into quarters, this means I ate the equivalent of 1 1/2 brownies.

I mean, honestly?  What the in the mother***ing hell was I thinking?  There's no excuse for that.  Especially not when I've been doing so well lately AND just passed a super huge important milestone in my weight loss.

Completely unacceptable.  Completely.  I know better than that by now.

I rushed back to my desk feeling so guilty.  And I started chugging insane amounts of water.  I didn't even have full meals today.  That's how much those damned things filled me up.

Crazy, right?  After everything I've been experiencing lately, everything I've learned - and yet, old behaviors still got a hold of me.  Or rather, I ALLOWED OLD HABITS TO CREEP BACK IN.

I've never proclaimed to be perfect.  I am not.  I struggle with this every single day. I will continue to struggle with this.  Every single day.

And before any of you start thinking that 1 1/2 brownies is not a big deal and that I shouldn't freak out the way that I am and I shouldn't be so hard on myself, yes I  should.  If you've been reading my blog for a while, then you know that I shouldn't have had any to begin with because cakes, brownies, cupcakes, etc. are HUGE trigger foods for me.  HUGE.  I cannot keep any of that in my house.  Why?  Because I know what will happen if I do.  These can trigger a binge, something I have been fighting tooth and nail to avoid for months now.

So yeah, this was a major setback for me.  Maybe I didn't scarf down the entire tray like I have in the past,  but believe me, I totally could have.  Maybe I didn't get that sick feeling in my stomach, but I felt disgusted with myself.  I know better than this, people. I do.  So I'm disappointed in myself.  Beyond disappointed.

I mean, come on.  Have I learned absolutely nothing?

I am still vulnerable.  I always will be.  And that scares me.  That angers me like you would not believe.

It scares me because this will never go away.  And it angers me that it will never go away.  It angers me that I feel this way.  I hate feeling and being vulnerable.  I hate that I'm still vulnerable.  I can't stand it.  I feel that I need to be 100% strong.  All the time.  Because if I'm not . . .

I limited myself to lean protein and fresh veggies after that.  With the exception of my green monster smoothie.

I also banged out 150 crunches in the empty office today, in 75 crunch intervals.  The person who hates working their midsection ever.  That's my penance.

And I headed to Bikram tonight even though the sexy instructor was not listed on the schedule.  And that's another.  The studio keeps changing the damn schedule.  This is the second time in 2 days that it's changed.  So annoying.  But I had to face my comeuppance.  With the instructor I absolutely cannot stand.  Ugh.

I was doing fine until about halfway through the floor series.  The studio was packed, I was feeling nauseous, the heat was unforgiving this time, and I sat out a few postures.  I've never done that before.  I was letting that damn brownie episode get to me.  Instead of just letting it go - I was allowing it to control my mindset and my emotions.

Still vulnerable.

But I worked hard for about 97% of the 90 minute session.  And I sweated like a pig.

I went way over my points today (big surprise there), still tracked everything even though I really didn't want to, and I managed to get in all of my requirements.

I need to do food prep and hit the sack.

Good choices!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Day 898 - Monday Blahs.

Today was one of those damn days. First of all, it's Monday, which means it's already gonna suck.

I also woke up this morning with crazy soreness from yesterday's workout. Seriously, you are not in tune with your body until you have experienced butterfly crunches and MMA style choke holds. Those moves work your core (that is becoming a 4 letter word to me very quickly) like you would not believe. My glutes are crazy sore too. Good deal.

And the weather. The weather here is just awful.

Rainy, thunder, lightning, and humidity that refuses to be kind to my curls. Weather that always just puts me in a mood, like all I want to do is sleep. I feel all . . . . blah. Just blah. I can't think of a better way to put it.

It didn't help that I got really busy towards the latter part of the work day either. Boo. Well, at least there's a 3 day weekend coming up.

Of course the problem with all of the above is that I almost let the workout fall to the side. I didn't want to lug out my equipment and move my furniture around. I just wanted to sit on my couch and take a break.

Like, an all night break. Yup.

So I found things to do to distract myself.  Like try on new clothes that when I bought, I couldn't fit into.  For example, this:
Victoria's Secret halter neck embroidered top in off white.   In a size Medium!!  When I first got this top, it didn't fit me right.  I was spilling out of it.  And I definitely wouldn't have had the balls to Facebook or Tweet a pic of it like I just did a few minutes ago because it is so daring.  And risque.  Although they kind of mean the same thing.  But now?  Hells yeah!

Definitely not work appropriate.  Haha.  But this summer, this top will be a regular part of my wardrobe!  :-)

Anywho, back to not wanting to work out.  I tweeted my predicament.  That always gets me off the couch and moving.  Sure enough, that's all it took.  I completed 45 minutes on the inclined treadmill.  I decided to put it on the incline to work my thighs and butt a little more.  I do enjoy working my glutes.  I burned 386 calories.  No Firm DVD because I just wasn't in the mood.  I still got in a great sweat.

That is real, hard earned sweat people.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

Need to hit the sack now.

Good choices!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Day 897 - Huge Thank You!

Thank you all so much for the sweet comments, emails and tweets I've received about my weight loss milestone!  Thank you all so much, again.  I was so touched, truly moved, I'm totally serious.  :-)  I wish I could hug all of you.

I was a busy little bee today, doing a lot of Cinderella duties and running errands.  I went to Trader Joe's and then BJs the wholesale place.  And you wouldn't believe what I saw there, of all places, of all things!

Multi colored, empire maxi dress, in a size 10!  It's a fake size 10 though because it's VERY stretchy, and it does not zip up.  I have to get the damn thing hemmed because as you can see, there's about 2 inches of it spilling onto the floor.  Even if I wore heels with it (I never wear heels, they kill my feet and I'm constantly worried that I'll trip, fall & break some really important bones) I would still need to get it hemmed.

I was undecided about this dress, still kinda am, but I wound up buying it because it was super cheap compared to what other maxi dresses sell for, and I don't own anything like this at all in my current wardrobe.  What do you guys think?  Like, don't like?

I had ordered some things through and they arrived the other day.  But I didn't post pics of what I bought til now because I just didn't think of it.

Pink, strappy tank from Nike, in a Medium.  I don't like how this makes me look.  It's way too tight around my chest and my stomach, and I felt so uncomfortable in it.  The built in sports bra wasn't working for me.  I felt like my chest was being crushed (I might be exaggerating a tad there) but I just didn't like how it looked on me.  I'm guessing I'm atleast 15 lbs away from being able to wear this comfortably.   It's cute as hell, but my body is not ready to wear this just yet.  Shame.  Pink is one of my favorite colors, after all.

Sexy instructor was NOT going to be at Bikram tonight, the instructor I absolutely cannot stand was going to be leading the session, so I didn't go.  He's just so damn persistent!  So instead, I worked out at home.  I chose to do a DVD I've never done before - Cathe Friedrich's Cardio Core Circuit.  I won this DVD when Lindsey did a giveaway on her blog for it a few months back.  I previewed it when it arrived, concluded that it was way too hard & too crazy for me to even attempt it, then put it away.  I dug it out today, and decided to go balls to the wall with Cathe.  She's already crazy - and this DVD is certifiable.  I'm not kidding.  I almost didn't make it.  Barely survived to tell about it.

Lots of chambered high kicks, mountain climbers, sumo squats, plyo jacks, regular jacks, butterfly crunches, high knee jogs, core work, and lots of other moves that don't like me or my body and vice versa.  Moves that do not like me or my body.

It was hard.  I had to modify a lot of the core moves (like those MMA style choke holds - is she crazy?  I can't do that crap - doesn't Cathe know I can't stand working my core?!)  When I couldn't perform

The DVD ended at about 45 minutes, so I added another 15 minutes of speed rope intervals, knee repeaters, wide squats, jogging, and standing oblique crunches.  I know I'm a walking contradiction when I say I hate working my core (because it's such a disaster area) and then I do moves that actually work my core, but at least I admit it.  Anywho, I burned 537 calories.

When I'm drenched in my own sweat & funkiness, I feel beautiful.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points this time.

Watching RHONJ, then hitting the sack.

Good choices!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Day 896 - Crossing the 100 Pound Lost Mark!

Last week's weight:  172.8 lbs.
This week's weight:  170.6 lbs.

I lost 2.2 lbs. this week.  But more importantly - I've crossed the 100 lb mark!!  I've lost 101 lbs, 92 with Weight Watchers.

It still hasn't hit me yet.  I'm not sure why.  I mean, think about it.  I've lost over 100 lbs.  That's a big deal.  Isn't it?  So why don't I feel any different?  I should, I think.  I've lost a small person.  I've lost a Jonas brother.  Right?  Hehe.

I went to Nordstrom's to buy that white goddess dress, but unfortunately, they didn't have it in white.  They had it in taupe, which is a nice color, but too bland.  For me anyway.  It was only available in white online.  Bummer.  One of the ladies there had to help me with the order, but before that, she asked me if I wanted to try it on first to see how it fit.  I explained to her that I wanted to order it in a smaller size, a size 6.  She asked me if I was sure I wanted to do that, and then she asked me why I wanted to get it in a smaller size.  I didn't want to get into a whole schpeel about my weight loss and my goal dress, since I really don't like discussing it at all except on here, so I just told her it was a long story.  LOL.

Oh, and according to my BMI, which I checked online, I am no longer considered obese.  Just overweight.  I say "just overweight" like it's nothing.  It's a step downward, which is a step in the right direction, in this instance.

I don't know why exactly I don't like discussing it in real life.  I should be proud of what I've been able to accomplish so far, and I am, to a certain extent.  I just get real shy and embarrassed about it easily.  I don't talk about it at work, I don't talk about it with my best friend, I haven't even told my BFF about losing 100 lbs. yet.  That sounds really weird, I know.  Shrug.  It's just how I feel, nothing I can do about it.

I snapped a pic of myself in the dressing room.  I really like this dress, and it was the first time I had worn it out in public, if I can recall correctly.
It's cute, right?  But it's really all about my Burberry handbag chilling on the chair.  Hehe.

The saleslady handed me a size 8 & 10.  The 10 almost fit.  But not quite.  It was really tight!  I didn't even bother trying on the 8 - that was so not gonna happen.  The dress was really tight around my hips (big surprise), so I didn't even bother trying to zip it up.

I wasn't upset about the 10 not fitting me.  I wasn't expecting it to, to be honest.  I know I'm not a 10 yet.  Not even close. But I'll get there.  I'm confident about that.

I opted to take a rest day today.  I've worked out 5 days in a row, and my body needed a break.  Back at it tomorrow.  With Bikram.  And sexy instructor.  :-)

Good day, but not solid.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and went over my points by 5.  I'm ok with that.  No biggie.  :-)

Holy sh*#!, I've lost 100 lbs.  That is just crazy.  Wow.  Yeah, still not sinking in.

Thanks for all the wonderful tweets!

Good choices!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Day 895 - NSVs & Last Chance Workout.

Wanna see what I wore to work today?

Silk, sleeveless wrap top from Banana Republic, and black capris - in a size 12!   I hadn't worn this top yet because I couldn't fit into it properly, and then when I could, it wasn't warm enough.  Today was a gorgeous day in NY.    I made sure that everything was covered up properly.  :-)

I found out this morning after a quick check of the Bikram schedule that it had changed AGAIN.  That is so annoying.  Apparently, sexy instructor led the session last night, and I didn't go because I didn't know it had changed!  I'm annoyed.  He was supposed to lead both evening sessions this weekend, but now he's only leading it on Sunday.  Shrug.  Oh well.  I should've known better since this is NOT the first time that's happened.  Whatever, I'll go on Sunday.  It'll be a nice way to end the weekend.

Ooh, let me tell you guys about a cool NSV I experienced this morning.  Well, there are 2 actually.  This morning, as I was getting dressed, and I'm putting on my top, I noticed that I could ALMOST see my ribcage and my chest bones.  I say almost because now I'm not sure if I experienced a mirage in my bedroom.   It was a tiny little hint of outlines of bones under the skin.  I had to really stretch to see, but yeah, I think I really did see them.  Maybe all that weight training with my Firm DVDs is finally paying off?  Maybe it's the Cool Ranch Doritos deficiency?  :-)

I'm just trying to be realistic about it also.  I mean, let's face it - I'm still about 40 lbs away from goal.  I've got an extra 40 lbs of fat hanging on my body, so how much of my ribcage and chest plate (I think that's the proper term, right?) could I really have seen?  But I think I did.  A hundred pounds ago, that sure as hell would not have been possible.

The second NSV is a compliment that one of my coworkers paid me today.  I was heating up my lunch, and she another girl I work with came into the lunch room.  Said coworker just came back from maternity leave so she hadn't seen me in a while, and she told me she gained 45 lbs during her pregnancy.  She's shorter than me - I'm barely 5'4 and she's 5 feet.  So on her, that's like gaining 70 lbs.  A lot of it was baby stuff - I swear she was pregnant for like 500 years.  And this is what she said to me:

"Oh my goodness Kelly, can I tell you that you look AMAZING?!"

So sweet.  Girlfriend barely says hello to me when I pass by her desk, but during lunch or outside of work, she's chatty Cathy.

I thanked her for the compliment, and the two of them started to talking to me and asking me what I've been doing, how I'm doing it, etc.  She told me she's not losing the baby weight as quickly as she would like, but she knows it's going to take time.  She's not even 30 yet, so she'll be ok.  She told me she's doing the low carb thing, which I could NEVER do.  I like my carbs man!  I'm Colombian - we're all about the arroz con pollo, and papa criolla.  Google that last bit if you've never heard of it.  So good - but I haven't had that in forever.

She asked me if it's been hard for me, and I told her:

"Are you kidding?  I struggle with it every single day!"

She looked really surprised to hear that.  The other day, someone made a similar comment to me, someone I greatly admire, that it looked like it came so natural to me.  My response was the same - it's a struggle for me every single day.  And the reaction was the same - total surprise.  I get it, though.   Really, I do, I understand it.  I've talked about it before - if you don't have a problem with food, then you can NEVER understand just how hard it is.  That's not their fault.  Thank goodness they've never had a problem with food - I don't wish that on anyone!  It's still hard for me, making the right choices every single day.  I don't always want to eat brown rice or whole wheat pasta or grilled chicken breast or dark greens.  But I do it because I know what the alternative will bring me.  Nothing good.

It still feels really nice to hear compliments though.  Don't get me wrong.  Even though I still get shy and embarrassed when someone does pay me a compliment.  :-)

I woke up this morning with my upper body sore as hell, especially my shoulders and my back.  Lifting heavy will do that.  So I concentrated on heavy lower body tonight, and I'm already feeling it.  I started with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Lower Body Split.  Oh my God and everything that is holy and held sacrosanct - I do not know if I will be able to even walk tomorrow!  Lots of leg presses, dips, lunges (lunges almost killed me!), squats, hover squats, side lunges, and kick squats.  All with either my 10s, 12s or 15s.  I wanted to go as heavy as possible, and my 15s are the heaviest set of dumbbells I own.  45 minutes of heavy legs coupled with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill equaled out to 523 calories burned.
Even my Tiffany heart necklace was sweating, and I'm not making that up!

I left my phone charger at work like an idiot today.  I called the office, spoke to the office manager who was still there, and she's going to leave it for me wrapped around her front door knob.  She lives 5 minutes from my parents, so I'll be picking it up tomorrow morning.  The shaking has ceased somewhat, which is good.  I had to shut it down to conserve the battery after I took my sweaty pic.  At least I can charge it somewhat in my car.  I already ordered a charger to keep at work, in case this ever happens again. #FirstWorldProblems

Solid day in the books.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I'm looking forward to WI tomorrow morning.  I am confident I will see a loss.  I may or may not hit a major milestone in my weight loss, but I'm not going to jinx it.  If I don't hit it, I don't want to be bitterly disappointed either, you know.  Patience is definitely not one of my virtues, I freely admit that.  I want everything to happen now, when I want it and how I want it.  I just realized how bratty that sounded.  Sorry, people - I've been a spoiled brat my whole life.  It's my Dad's fault.  Yeah, his - NOT mine.  Hehe.  :-)

I'll keep you guys posted on Twitter tomorrow morning, since I don't talk about it on Facebook, as you all know.  Wish me luck.  :-)

Good choices!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Day 894 - So I Called the Doctor Today.

Oh doctors, with your typical vague, non-definitive answers to my questions. . . .

Remember how I said I would call the doctor to ask him about any potential trouble I may or may not have trying to conceive?  Well, I did.  I called him today, left a message with one of the girls there, and he called me back pretty quickly.

Here's my answer from him:

"You won't know until you start trying."

Ok well, can we be a little more specific than that?  It won't be harder for me with my one good ovary and fallopian tube?

Here's what he told me:

"How will you know about any difficulty until you start trying?  And I have patients in the same situation as you with one ovary, one fallopian tube - and guess what?  They have 6 kids!"

That's great for them.  What about me?  There's no test to find this out?

"We can do all the tests in the world and find nothing wrong with you, and then you start trying - and then that's when it may become hard for you.  We just won't know.  There are women with 2 perfect ovaries and 2 perfect fallopian tubes and a working uterus - and they have difficulty all the time!   There's just no way to know until you start trying."

On a side note, because I'm not sure if I've said this or not, but my right ovary and my right fallopian tube are "perfect."  I remember my surgeon saying that to me the day of the post op appointment.

Typical response.  I'm not really all that surprised about this response, but I honestly was hoping for something more specific.  Even just a little more specific. I know he had to say that, but still.  Grr...

I'm not ragging on doctors.  I'm related to one and friends with a few others.  And veterinarians.  (Yes, they count, too.  I'm an animal lover, after all.)

And I also know - as much as it pains me to admit this - that medicine can't diagnose a condition if it's not even known that said condition exists.  I know that it can't always be an exact science.  I know all that, and yet, I was still holding out hope for a more definitive answer.  But we can't always get what we want.  And that is not just a Rolling Stones record, apparently.

So, that's my answer.  I won't know anything until I start trying.  I may have zero trouble or I may have all the trouble in the world.  Shrug.

I've been really surprised at the ladies who have left me comments and tweets regarding my past problems with ovarian cysts.  I say past because at my last check up, my doctor did not detect any, and ever since my laparascopy, I haven't had a reoccurence of them. I didn't know so many of you had this in common with me.  I am not obnoxious enough to believe for one second that I was the only girl on Earth to have ever been affected by ovarian cysts and the damage that they can cause to your body.  Trust me - I am not arrogant.  But I was REALLY surprised at how many of you are or have been affected by this either now or in the past.  The ladies that struggled with fertility issues even having both ovaries and fallopian tubes - again, I'm just amazed.  It's just staggering, it really is.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me.  That has meant so much, it really has. Especially you ladies that have never commented before, and then felt compelled enough to do so.  Reading about your experiences  - is it really weird to say that I feel closer to a lot of you than I do my friends in real life?  It's a little weird, right, considering I haven't met any of you?  I guess it's because we share this in common, and my real life friends have no idea what having been through this feels like.  Please continue to share anything you'd like with me.  I'll always listen, always, I promise.

And Chubby - just thinking about your comment especially . . . I mean, my goodness.  What can I say?  How could I not just burst into tears after reading it?  And yes, the tears are already falling.  (God, I am such a sap lately.)  No, I did not think it was creepy.  I did think it was especially moving and touching.  And incredibly sweet.  I heart you.  :-)

Jessie - I believe with all my heart that I will be a Mom one day.  You are incredibly sweet for saying that to me!  And you're right - it may not be in the way that I imagined or the way that I wanted - but I know it will happen.  If I have to pay someone to carry my babies for me, if I get knocked up the good ole fashioned way, if I adopt, if I wind up getting pregnant with multiples, if I do this alone or with someone at my side, so be it, but I know it's going to happen.   :-)

Bring on the anonymous, judgmental commenters.

I've decided not to talk about this anymore until I have something more concrete to say about it.  Until I'm actively trying, is what I mean.  I'm getting tired of rehashing my experience with my cysts and my damn ovary because it's too raw.  It's still too real.  It's still too much.  Still.

I've talked about it a lot even though I struggled with it emotionally writing it out and posting it.  I'm not even sure if it's really helped me talking about it, because I can't get past the part where I start tearing up about it. It still hurts.  It really does.  So for now, I'm done.

But if it's helped any of you, I'm happy about that.

Anywho, check out my awesome manicure.  (Yeah, I'm jumping around here, just go with it.)
Sure Shot by Essie.  It's a new color, and I kinda love it.  :-)  What do you think, Drazil?  Do you like?

The weather was perfect today.  Sunny, in the 70s, just perfect.  I felt better about starting my workout with the nice weather - don't ask me why.  I started with 22 minutes on the inclined treadmill to work my legs a little more, then I did The Firm Super Sculpting.  An oldie, but goody.  Lots of leg work in this one.  Lots of frontal and medial delts, lat rows, and clean & press too.  My shoulders are on fire right now.  I kid you not.  I decided to lift heavy to see how far I could go.  And um, well, my upper body feels like jelly right now.  My lower body aint doing too well either.  Let's just say my body won't be happy with me tomorrow.  Burned 516 calories.
Completely drenched, and can barely lift my arms as we speak.  That's supposed to be a good thing, right, considering I was channeling my inner Tara & all.  Right?

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I realize I'm changing.  Just rereading what I've written here now is so different than what I was writing even 6 months ago.  I mean, worlds apart.  It is crazy to me how much can change - how much people can change - in a relatively short amount of time.  Crazy.  It makes me wonder what my life will be like 6 months from now.

Need to catch up on blogs and captivating reality TV, like Deadliest Catch.  Yeah, I'm all over Deadliest Catch.  :-)  Oh, and I kinda love Person of Interest too.  How could I not - what with Ben Linus being on it?  Hehe.   #LOST

Good choices!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Day 893 - Changing Someone's Life.

I need to keep this one light and funny, people.  I think my sanity needs it.  I'm starting to annoy myself with the emotional heavy posts lately.   So I'm going to change it up today, and give you something a little different.  A little more light and upbeat.  :-)

Remember the Trader Joe's Cookie Butter?  The stuff that is basically crack in a jar?

I changed someone's life with it today.  I'm not kidding.  Let me 'splain.

I had told one of the girls I work with about this awesome stuff.  She asked me if I could bring in some for her to try.  No problem.

Tara was dubious at first.  I think the word "butter" threw her for a loop.  She takes the jar in her hand, eyes it, and says, "Oh, it looks like peanut butter."

Dude.  You have no idea.

I hand her a plastic knife and she very cautiously takes a small serving.  Like it barely covers the tip of this  knife.  I roll my eyes inwardly.

"This stuff will change your life, Tara.   I mean, it is life-changing.  Just trust me."

Ever so delicately, she takes the most miniscule taste of the cookie butter.  I watch her intently the whole time, waiting for the full effect to settle in.

She looks at me, and her eyes start to get huge.  I mean, like saucers.  "OH. MY. GOD."

She shivered, like a crack addict who had just shot up.  (That's just terrible, Kelly - honestly.)

"THIS STUFF IS THE BEST STUFF I'VE EVER TASTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.  IT TASTES LIKE COOKIES."  (She was totally licking her chops when she said this.   All sense of etiquette and manners flew out the window.  That's how powerful this stuff is.)

What did I tell you?

Tara, you should know by now that I would NEVER joke around when it comes to food.  Mmkay?

I mean, seriously.   I changed someone's life today.  With cookie butter.  Of all things.

I wound up giving the jar to her.  It's probably best that I got it out of my house completely.  Know what she had the gall to say to me?

"I'm going to gain like 20 lbs. with this stuff!"

A chick who's 5'2 and maybe 120 lbs.  Soaking wet.

Kinda made me want to hurt her a little.  Just a little.  Me - I gain weight just looking at that stuff.  There is no justice in the world, I'm telling you.

She emailed me later, saying that she would be bringing the cookie butter to her niece's party on Sunday and letting everyone have a little taste of it.  My response?

"Think of all the lives you will change on Sunday."

Uh huh.  We are talking life changing events here today, people.

But don't think I let that one solid, purely unselfish gesture derail my day.  It did not.  I still got my workout in and did all the things I must do everyday.  Even superheroes need to work hard.  :-)

What?  Wonder Woman's got nothing on me.  LOL.

I started with 21 minutes on the treadmill, then I did The Firm Maximum Body Shaping with Tracie Long.  Umm, my shoulders and lower body are feeling this already.  It was so humid today, and I worked out with no AC.  I wanted to feel the sweat pouring.  And it did pour - like rain.  I burned 477 calories.
That glistening you see is 100% real.  I was in the zone today, people.  For realsies.

Solid day - life changing events and all.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.  What?!

I am way too chipper right now.  Surprising, considering I could drop right here, I'm so tired.

Maybe it's the sunshine.  The sun finally came out today.  Maybe it's the pretty dress I wore today.  I felt so pretty in it.  :-)

Maybe I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired already.  Maybe it's all of the above, and some other reasons that I can't think of right now.

Must head to bed.

Good choices!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Day 892 - Not Going Anywhere.

So apparently there are more than 3 of you that read my blog.  Good to know.  :-)

Thank you all for the kind and supportive tweets, comments, and emails.  The ones threatening bodily harm if I deleted my blog was a nice touch, I must say.  (What the hell is shanking, anyway?)  Those especially made me feel so loved!  Seriously, NOTHING screams love like threatening bodily harm.  For realz. (I'm kidding, ppl, relax!)  :-)  Right, Drazil?

Seriously, the fact that all of you - people I have never met in real life, people that I consider true friends - actually feel and are thoughtful enough to tell me that I should do what is right for me, or that I would be missed, touched my heart and soul.  People I don't even know, reaching out to me and telling me they'd miss me.  And that I'll be a great mom one day.  Unbelievably sweet.  I can't describe it properly and find the right words to do it justice, what it made me feel.  Dang feelings.  Ugh, I'm getting "in touch with my feelings," and I'm not sure if I like it at all.

I've been dealing with what happened 3 years ago now because I'm thinking about how it might affect my having a baby in the future.  All of it preventable.  And I always think to myself:

Look at what YOU did to your body.  Look at what you, and ONLY YOU, created.  This is all YOUR fault.

All of that is true.  Pointing the finger at yourself, like I've been doing, is enough to make you want to scream.  Or in my case, cry.  Mostly cry.  But it's my reality, and just because I don't like it doesn't make it any less real.

You know those girls that are so in touch with their feelings that they're constantly talking about them?

Yeah, I am soooo not that girl.  I'm the girl that used to roll my eyes at that kind of girl, and think, oh please - enough already.  I made fun of that girl.   And now I am that girl.  I'm reaping what I have sowed, it would seem.

I'm an old fashioned kinda girl - I prefer to keep my shizz inside and keep my mouth shut and not deal with it.  And I know it's not healthy.  I know writing it out here is therapeutic and cathartic.  This space helps as an outlet, it really does. Maybe if I had dealt with this 3 years ago, like I should have, I wouldn't be such an emotional and hormonal mess right now.  I'm getting kind of sick of it, to be honest.

I hate that I'm crying now at the drop of a hat.  I used to make fun of those kinds of chicks.  Now I am one of those chicks.  I need to be more strong.

I know I'm changing, I know I'm evolving, and I know I'm starting to crawl and scratch my way out of my proverbial shell.  As much as I feel sometimes that I'd much rather remain inside of it and still be the wallflower. It's still slow going, it's all a process.  One I'm completely unfamiliar with.  And if I repeat myself sometimes, I apologize.

I also know that change is hard.  Which explains why I'm always kicking & screaming about it.  But I also know that by being more open to change, great things will happen for me.  Must hold onto that.

Honestly, I know I would regret deleting my blog.  My blog is a part of my life, and it is a part of me.  So I am not going anywhere.  I promise!  :-)  A future break might be in the works though, so we'll see.  It's still something I'm thinking about.

This is getting way too depressing, and I'm starting to annoy myself.  Ok seriously, I need to start writing about more uplifting things.  Ooh, like the sexy instructor at Bikram!  LOL.

Talk about a reason to get in shape.  If you have a guy with a smoking hot body leading the session, you'll put up with being in a room at 104 degrees for 90 minutes.  Even one that is packed, like tonight.  Oh yes, you will, trust me.  LOL.  Apparently, all the college kids are back now for the summer, and they all flocked to his session tonight.  Wonder why?  Hehe.

After tree pose and toe stand - the postures that make me feel like throwing my hands up in frustration because my stomach and thighs prevent me from doing them at all - I just gave up and stood on my mat.  After they were over, the floor segment started, and he told us that we needed to let the standing part of the session go.  He also said that he could tell some of us were feeling sorry for ourselves because some of us weren't even trying.  He told us to stop feeling that way, and to just let it go.  I honestly felt like he was talking to me.  He could've been.  The look on my face while trying to perform those damn postures said it all.  Yeah, apparently I don't hold my frustration back and my facial expression gives it away.  But I did try my best, and I sweated my ass off.

Soaked & drenched.  Best feeling in the world.  :-)

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

You guys are stuck with me.  Mmkay?

Why am I talking so much lately?  Seriously.  (I think I have to stop saying the word seriously.)

Timmo interviewed me for a Q & A session on his blog.  He's for sure my favorite Englishman.  Check  it out here.  And check out his blog, if you don't read him already.  Dude's lost like 80 lbs, he's a freaking rock star!  Luv u lots, Timmo!

Good choices!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Day 891 - The Delete Button.

Blogging has been very different for me lately.  And difficult, very difficult.  Although I  love blogging and love my blog, the last week's worth of posts have been really emotional for me and hard for me to write.  They've been harder for me than I probably want to admit.  To be honest, I really didn't think I'd have to relive my laparascopy and the pain from my ovarian cyst rupturing all over again.  It's only because I'm thinking of having a baby on my own that it's been on my mind at all.

Will I have trouble conceiving?  Will it be easy or hard?

Will I need IVF?

I remember my post-op appointment with the doctor like it was yesterday instead of 3 years ago.  He walks in, and after exchanging pleasantries, begins with,

"Well, you gave us quite a surprise there, Kelly."

Yeah, that was an omen.  I wasn't going to be happy with what he was going to tell me.  This was NOT going to be good.  At all.

In a nutshell, he told me about how the left side of my reproductive system was now no good because of the weight of the cysts, which I've talked about already.  And I also had endometriosis.   Which I already knew can lead to infertility.  Awesome.  Because that wasn't enough to start the tears welling up in my eyes.  He also said that if I had tried to get pregnant before the cyst ruptured, it would've resulted in an ectoptic pregnancy, where the fetus is in the fallopian tube.  I think that's what it is, right?  However, he did tell me that because of the laparascopy, he would have no qualms about me trying to get pregnant now.  But in my state of upset, I didn't bother to ask him if I would have trouble conceiving or not.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there.  I left the doctor's office with tears in my eyes and literally just ran to my car, where I started bawling.

And the tears are starting up again.  Reliving it has been emotionally raw for me.  Too raw.  But I'm writing about it now because of I'm thinking about how it will affect me conceiving.  And also because a few new faces read my blog now that didn't back then.

You know, I still haven't asked the doctor if I'll be ok conceiving or if I'll have trouble?  I guess I just don't want to hear the answer if he tells me that I won't be ok.  I guess I just need to suck it up and ask and deal with it.  The one good bit of news is that I didn't have PCOS, and I never had it either.

And I am aware that women who do have endometriosis have kids all the time.  Ditto with women only having one ovary.  Or one working ovary and fallopian tube, like me.

P.S.  I still do have my left ovary.  It was not removed when my cyst was removed.  Neither was my left fallopian tube.  I still have that, too.

Today at work, I was thinking about what an emotional mess I've been lately thinking about having a baby and if there would be any complications, that I started wondering if writing about it was even worth it.   Specifically, I was thinking, is blogging even worth it anymore?

What if I just gave it up completely?  What if I just hit the delete button on this blog and said, enough already?!

I tweeted this into the Twitterverse, not thinking I would get a reaction, or I thought that maybe one person would respond.  (I'm still convinced that only 3 people read my blog, I'm serious.)  But maybe I need a break.  Not a permanent one, something temporary.  Like maybe I won't blog on the weekends.  Except for a quick update about my WIs on Saturday mornings.  I'm not sure yet.

Would people really be upset if I hit the delete button?  The important question is, how would I feel about it?

But I won't hit the delete button.  I'd regret it.  I know I would.  And life is too short for regrets.  Right?  :-)

After having such an amazing weekend weatherwise, it chose to be cloudy and rainy again.  So sick of that.  When it gets like that, I feel lazy & sleepy.  It was a struggle to get going today.

I started with 24 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Tough Tape with Tracie Long.  It had been a while since I had done this workout, and I really want to focus on strength again.  I want my muscles to start popping.  I want to be strong.

Strong is the new skinny.  :-)  In my opinion.

I added 10 extra minutes of squats, speed rope intervals & jogging in place.  Keeping my abdominals tight and contracted was hard during these last 10 minutes.  I forget to do that sometimes.  But contracting your core while you're doing other forms of physical activities works it, which means no crunches necessary!  LOL.  I burned 473 calories.

Every fiber of my sports bra was drenched in my own sweat.  No lie.  I happened to look in the mirror while I was peeling off my clothes that my back looks - dare I say it - TONED.  As in - holy hell, I MIGHT have back muscle now!  There's not a way to photograph my naked back by myself while still keeping it PG, otherwise I'd show you guys.  LOL.  Major NSV.  :-)

Solid day.  Tracked everything, stayed within my points, and got in all of my requirements.  Much better today than yesterday.

I think I'll tone it down with the baby talk and my laparascopy/reproductive system issues.  It's too sad and too emotional for me.  And I really don't like feeling so damn vulnerable.   I don't like thinking that I may have some serious issues trying to get pregnant.  It makes me feel I'm weak, and I should be strong enough to at least talk about it without turning into a blubbering fool.  In my opinion.

OK - I'm going to call the office and speak to the doctor.  This week.  Because I just have to know.  And I will take the news like a big girl.  Whatever that news may be.

Good choices!