Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 1,007 - WI Results.

Last week's weight:  162.4 lbs.
This week's weight:  160.4 lbs.

I lost two pounds this week!  I so feel like a freaking rock start, I'm telling you.  LOL.  I like this feeling.  It's really nice.

I didn't stay for the entirety of my meeting because I wanted to hit the 10 AM Bikram session.  Sexy instructor was no longer scheduled to lead the session.  Flamboyant instructor was there instead.  He's nice too, very funny.  I like him.  Unfortunately, it meant that my hawtness was completely wasted on a gay man today.  Shame, I know.  I know you all feel my pain.  ;-)  That was a joke, by the way.  Just another example of the NY snarkiness.

It was hard in Bikram today.  It felt about 800 degrees in the studio.  I struggled.  It was hard, very hard.  But I'm so glad I went.  I always feel like I can take over the world when I step out of there.  It's such an awesome feeling.  I can't emphasize enough just how much Bikram has changed my life.  I'll never be able to find the proper words to do it justice.
Shiny with sweat.  I was completely soaked to the core, to the bone, and anything else you can think of.  It was intense today, and I totally loved it!

I hung out at the beach, in my bikini. It was so hot that I think my hair was sweating.  I'm not kidding.  But I'm trying to even out my weird tan lines, so it was totally worth it.

Here's a pic of my flawless, tan legs.
Please excuse the thunderthighs, people.  I'm working on shrinking them.

I walked into Old Navy later to pick up some tshirts and tank tops, in a Medium.  I'm shrinking out of a lot of my clothes, and so the basics are what I need to get first.

While there, I took this brand new, full body pic.
Victoria's Secret halter neck bra top in teal, and skirt from TJ Maxx.  As you can see, I'm losing weight, but not my voluptuous curves!  I absolutely love that.

Tomorrow we head up to my brother's to see the kids.  My mother has been dying to see the kids, so my brother called me this past week and asked us to come up.  I of course am always game to see my Sonia Begonia, my little Mini-Me, so I'm happy to go.

I'm not going to talk about what me & Wendy talked about - it's too private, too damn personal, and some things need to always remain that way.

Heading to bed in a minute.

Good choices!

Day 1,006 - Last Chance Workout & New Bikini Pic.

Just the top part of my bikini.  Sorry people.  And guys, if I have any guy readers.  ;-)

Here it is - Victoria's Secret padded triangle bikini top.
I look a little slanted and off kilter here.  Hmm. Didn't know that til afterwards.  Oh wells.  Please excuse the weird ass tan lines.  I'm working on that.  And no, the tatas aren't shrinking like the rest of me is.  Aint nothing I can do about that.  :-)

But before I went to the beach to get my Vitamin D in, I had to get in a super killer, last chance workout.  And it was epic man, it really was.  I started with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Super Sculpting.  Because I wanted to blast my glutes and thighs and lift some heavy shit.  I was in the mood to lift heavy for some reason, don't ask me why.  I probably had some inner aggravation to sweat out.  And did I ever sweat.  I chose to workout with no AC, and it was already 90 degrees at 9:30 AM.  I burned 693 calories.  I'm not kidding.

Went to the beach, got some rays in, and just relaxed.

What wasn't so relaxing was when I tried to adjust my triangle top.  On the beach.  Some of it slipped up, exposing a part of me.  With a guy about 25 yards away whose head whipped around so fast when it happened.  So he probably got a good view, which was not my intention.

Not to self:  Don't try to adjust your bikini top on the beach with guys around.  It will always ride up.  ALWAYS.  From, CurvyFitGirl.

I went to BFFs for dinner tonight.  We went to Fairways and got mixed dark greens, feta cheese, & grape tomatoes for salad, and a rotissiere chicken to put on top of it.  I drizzled mine with a little olive oil and I was good to go.  Then her husband watched the game, & we had an epic gab session in her bedroom.  We just talked & talked for hours.  It was probably close to 4 hours where we talked about certain things I won't get into, and we both cried too.

I don't know what I would do without Wendy.  Aside from my family, she's the single most important person in my life, and I feel awful and so guilty that I neglected her for as long as I did.  The guilt comes in waves.  Losing a ton of weight & dealing with the emotional crap really messes with your head.  No excuse, I should've always reached out to her.  Le sigh.

She told me she feels very protective of me, so when I post daring photos like the bikini things, she gets worried that I'll attract scum bags and sleaze balls.  Fair point.  I love that she said that though - I feel extremely protective of her too.  Kinda like a mama bear, except I don't have any cubs.  Yet.

I need to wrap this one up & I'll get into more of what we talked about tomorrow- to a certain extent.  Some things just need to remain private.

WI is tomorrow, and I'm feeling good about it.

Hitting the sack.

Good choices!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Day 1,005 - Overwhelmed By the Response.

I say this with every shred of honesty I have in me.

My twitter/bloggy peeps are the best.  I love you all.  And I am really humbled that you took the time to read what I write.  And yes, I'm still convinced that only about 3 or 4 people actually read my lil ole blog.

I truly am humbled and overwhelmed by the response my post got.  Love you all.

Jeanette - please understand that I say and tweet nonsensical things all the time.  My dry, sarcastic NY sense of humor does not always sit well with people, and sometimes, they just don't get it.  And that's all fine, I don't always get other people's sense of humor either.  But please know that when I say dumb things like what you took offense to, that it's never my intention to be cruel or insulting or offensive to anyone.  Even ladies with - how should I put it - who don't have the same size assets that I have.  It truly is all in good fun, it's said with humor - never EVER ANY ILL WILL - and I never mean to insult anyone.  I promise.   Other bloggers and blogs will do that.  I can't.  I never will.

I know that some of the things I say are pretty out there.  Umm, I can't change that and I don't really want to.  I use humor as a coping mechanism.  Other people don't, but I do.  That's just me.

Lisa has decided to continue with Bikram!  That made my heart happy in ways that you would not believe.  I'm really excited about that.  She said it will help with her running in the extreme heat.  I told her that it helps clear my mind and my soul.  I love just concentrating on me for those 90 minutes.  It's hard to clear your head of everything sometimes, but for those 90 minutes, I am the only thing I think about.  It's wonderful.

I decided to hit the 6 PM Bikram session tonight with Chris.  Lisa went to the 4 PM session and I saw her afterwards.  That's when she told me she'll probably do it twice a week or so.  The studio was not quite so packed, which was good.  I still sweated my ass off.  And speaking of my ass, I've been noticing that it's feeling tighter lately.  My thighs and glutes were sore today from my workout last night.

I worked hard, and it felt soooo great.

Yeah, I was an epic hot mess afterwards.  But I felt sooo good!

Rock solid day for me.  Tracked everything, got in everything, and stayed within my points.

Need to wrap up now & hit the sack.

I won't stop talking about how awesome my breasts are, in case you were wondering.  ;-)

Good choices!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day 1,004 - Not Editing Myself.

Every once in a while, an entire post is inspired by a simple comment.

Today is one of those days.

But first, check out the dress I wore to work today.  It's super cute, stretchy, and a size 8! I found it at BJ's, of all places.  Insert snarky comments here.  And yes, I'm standing on a chair.
Yesterday on Facebook, I posted my bikini picture.  I try to keep Facebook and Twitter separate.  On Twitter, I'll talk about my blog a lot.  I'll promote it more.

I do NOT do that on Facebook.  I never mention it on there.  EVER.  I don't want certain people knowing I have a blog.  I'm very lucky in that my bloggy friends that I'm friends with on Facebook know that, understand that, and respect that.

Anyway, I tweeted that after posting that bikini pic, I got a few friend requests from men/guys.  Whatever.  I did think that was strange.  And I still am surprised at the attention from men.  It is still VERY new to me.

After I tweeted that, I received a comment on my 100 lost with Weight Watchers post.  Here it is:

Congratulations on weight loss-I just don't get how you seem surprised at how people react to your picture and all of your talk about your breasts...guys wanting to be your FB friend,etc. I don't get why that would surprise you given the photo you have looks like that's what you want. I'm not trying to be insulting...just trying to understand.

Ok, I think the user, whomever he or she may be, does make a valid point.  Without being insulting, without bashing me, a really good point was made, in my opinion.  In the same spirit, without verbally bashing anyone because that is not my style - never has been, never will be - here is my response to you, whatever your name is.  I also don't believe said commenter deserves to be verbally bashed.  We're all adults here.  We can all be respectful and civil, mkay.

I constantly second guess myself on certain photos that I choose to post.  Why?  Because in spite of losing over 100 pounds, I am still insanely insecure.  INSANELY.

I am a ball of insecurities.  I admit that.  I've admitted that before.

I choose to focus on certain positive things that I love about my body.  And even doing that is hard for me!  You have no idea.  I struggle to be positive on a daily basis.

That's where the tatas come in.

And yes, I love that my breasts are still there, that they are 100% real, and I love that they are slamming.

I talk about them a lot.  I know that.

I kid about them, I joke about them, I say nonsense like sorry, flat-chested chicks.  It's all in good fun.  Being humorous about things like my boobs is a mechanism, I guess.  It's just my way of dealing.   It's just me.

I've done that recently because for me, it's part of my transformation.  I will not have the same weight loss experience as anyone else because we're all different.  We all go through different things because we all have different lives and different personalities.  And if you look back through my archives, you'll notice I NEVER talked about um, "body parts" before.  It's because I'm still changing, and I'm still evolving.  God, that was so damn cliche.  Gag me.

That said, I know that some of the stuff that flies out of my mouth and onto this blog can be crazy. Sometimes a little inappropriate.  But that's me.  Not all the time of course, but that's me.

I try as hard as possible to post genuine and real thoughts here.

And I will not apologize for that.  I will not be ashamed to post certain photos of myself.  I refuse.  I will only ever blog about what is real to me.

I am still raw, I am still a work in progress, and I am still broken in a lot of ways.  I am still getting used to this new body.  This new, SMALLER body that I can't believe is me now.

I will remain unedited.   I will remain genuine to myself.  I will not second guess myself on the photos of myself that I choose to post on here after the fact.

I'm really happy with my weight loss so far.  But I'm still humbled by the attention I'm getting recently.

Yes, I know that is an oxymoron.

Do any of you realize what it took for me to post that bikini pic?  None of you will ever  know the kind of anxiety I went through.  First posting it on my blog, then on Twitter, then actually WEARING a bikini in public?

I deserve to be proud of at least ONE part of my body.  Yes, I love my tatas.  Yes, I am still VERY surprised at the male attention.  You know why?  Because I'm still a genuinely humble person.  Because any time I ever got any kind of attention from men, it would usually be nasty or rude.  At 270+ pounds, does that surprise any of you?

Yes, I admit that I like the attention I'm getting now.  Yes, I admit that I have NO idea how to handle it properly.  It is still very, very new to me.

I admit that I get surprised by it.

And putting that down in writing, in black and white, scares the shit out of me.  Because it makes it real.   And I can't hide from that anymore.

I literally had an epiphany about this at work today.  Twitter really helped with that.  Thank you, Dacia!  I sat at my desk, having tweeted that truth, and started shaking.  And tearing up a little.  Admitting it made it real.  And it is scary as hell.  This was huge for me.

That doesn't mean that the recent attention is the only thing I live for in life.  Of course it's not.  I'm not used to it yet.  And most of the time, I can't believe that I'm actually getting any kind of attention.  Sad, I know.  But it's the truth.

When a man tells me he thinks I'm sexy or he thinks I'm beautiful, I can't believe them.   I don't believe them.  Most of my past experiences with men have been the polar opposite.  Most of it's been sneering comments hurled my way.

I'm not saying that for sympathy or pity, and please don't feel compelled to leave me any comments dripping with those sentiments.  I don't want any of that.  That's not why I'm writing this.

This is a huge reason why I still struggle daily with my self-confidence.  DAILY.  Yeah, I post risque pictures, yeah, I talk about how awesome my boobs are, about my hourglass figure that I didn't have 109 pounds ago.  And you know what - I'm proud of all those things!  Why shouldn't I be?  The attention I'm getting now because of it though - scary & thrilling at the same time.  No other way to put it.

What if I never learn how to handle it?  Will I be too aggressive or too indifferent about it?  I have no idea.  I would hope that I would be able to handle it as anyone else would.  I just need to figure out what that is.  I need to figure out what the norm is.  At what point do I start believing people (READ:  men) when they tell me things like that?   Shrug.

When you figure that out, please tell me.

Commenter, that is my response.  Because I am still working through and processing all the new changes that have happened in my life in the last 7 months, and for me, this is how I'm dealing with it.  The fact that everything's happened at the same time as other life altering events is overwhelming.  Don't get me wrong - these are all great things, and I love it all.  It's changed my life, and I can't deny that.

One of my close friends told me I was robbed of dating in my 20's.  Maybe that's true.   Maybe it's not. If it is true, I can only attribute it to my weight.   And of course, the way I felt about myself.  Feel free to call bullshit.  I can deal.  :-)

On a completely different note, I decided to bring it with my workout tonight.  I jumped on the treadmill for about 17 minutes, no AC, just me & the heat.  I was sweating bullets about 5 minutes in.  Then I did Jillian's No More Trouble Zones.  Sweet Jesus, my entire body will be sore tomorrow.  Especially my glutes and abs.  Speaking of abs, I held my plank today for 1 minute 38 seconds.  Felt that too.  My workout burned 524 calories.
This is getting way too heavy for me.  I didn't intend for it to be this long, but it certainly has been cathartic.

I never said I didn't have issues, people.  And I got lots of 'em.  Y solo mi Dios lo sabe.  That last part needs no translation.

I am still finding my way.  But that's a good thing.  So if I do write about my tatas, if I do write nonsense as I'm prone to do 99% of the time, or post revealing cleavage pics, just know that I'm still being me - raw, genuine and a ball of insecurities.

Take it or leave it.

Good choices!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 1,003 - Bikram with The Sadist.

Yesterday's workout left my midsection feeling very sore.  Which I know is a good thing, I just need to do more core work.

I've been slipping on that the last week or so.  So yesterday and today, I've done my own little plank a day challenge with one of my Twitter buddies, Shannon.  We're going to do this everyday for a week.  See how it goes. Today I held it for 1 minute, 31 seconds.  I could've died, but I did it anyway.

I also added 100 regular crunches and 100 side bends.  Really need to concentrate on this area of my body since it's the one I hate the most.  Well, that and my inner thighs.  Don't get me started on that.

Lisa, aka The Sadist, decided to join me tonight for Bikram with sexy instructor.  He was looking mighty fine tonight, but what else is new?  Hehe.

I struggled tonight, I won't lie.  The room was packed, which made it feel especially hotter than it actually was.  I mean, I always feel great when I'm there, but tonight was just. . . tough.  No other way to describe it.

Lisa did a great job tho, for someone doing Bikram for the first time.  She worked through all the postures, she never took a knee, and she just toughed it out.  She struggled with the heat, too.

I felt so great though when it was all said and done.  I know I'll sleep great tonight.

Yeah, my sweat tonight was EPIC.  I think I started sweating the second I walked into the heated studio, I am not kidding.

Here's a sweaty pic of me & Lisa.
First words out of Lisa's mouth when we walked out of the studio:

"That was the hardest thing I've ever done!  Harder than any marathon I've ever run."

Girlfriend is a trained triathlete and she's run 10 marathons.  She does CrossFit, weights, and other crazy things.  AND she trains people for a living!

Even the Sadist thought Bikram was tough as hell.  THAT is saying something.  Welcome to my world, Lisa!

Yup.  I bet she's got a new found respect for me now.  Right, Lisa?  :-)

I'm having second thoughts about posting a full body bikini pic this weekend.  I'm not going to do it because I'm just not comfortable with it.  Yet.  I reserve the right to change my mind about this later.  However, I may consider posting one when I hit goal.  Or as I get closer to goal.   I'm still mulling it over.

I've got major issues with the lower half of my body.  Thank you, self doubt and insecurity.  You suck.

Great day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I'm going to sleep great tonight, I just know it.

Soo tired.

Try to say something positive about yourself every night before you go to bed.  That's what I'm trying to do.

I deserve to have the life I want.  And EVERYTHING that comes along with it.  I deserve to be the most important person in a man's life.

Bed now.

Good choices!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Day 1,002 - Training with The Sadist.

I woke up this morning feeling the full effects of walking around for 6 hours yesterday.  My glutes, thighs, hamstrings & legs are all SORE.  I mean, damn.  I'm sure Bikram also has something to do with it.

After work, I met Lisa, aka The Sadist, at a fitness center with a huge space.  They train high school baseball player and triathlets at this place, so the place was lined with turf, and it was huge!  It was me & 3 other girls:  Sasha, Lisa's daughter, and Sasha's 2 friends, Emily & Jessica.  Everyone was really sweet.
Me getting my game face on before the workout.  How awesome are my super bright pink Nike running shoes?  You know you want them.  :-)

We started with foam rolling - which I absolutely LOATHE.  It hurts, man.  It really does.

She took us through some endurance & speed drills.  We did band work for both upper & lower body, sprints, planks, pushups, high knees, mountain climbers & pikes.  I think they were called pikes.  Now I'm not sure.

I was sweating like a pig after the first 10 minutes.  I am not kidding.  So were the other girls.

Emily, me, Jessica & Sasha, after the workout was done.  All of us were sweating buckets.  Lisa is tough.

And here she is.
Lisa, aka The Sadist.  She looks so sweet & innocent, doesn't she?  Nothing like a tough Sadist at all, right?  (All said with love, Lisa!)

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

So looking forward to finishing this week.  I'm taking Friday off for a nice, long weekend.

And yes, if it's nice out - I AM ROCKING MY BIKINI ALL WEEKEND.

Good choices!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Day 1,001 - Gay Pride Parade!

OMG - you guys!!

I love you!!

The comments!!

The support!!

My tatas!!!  LOL  (What, you knew that was coming, right?  ;-) )

I appreciate you all, the supportive comments mean so much to me.

Ok, so let me tell you all about my day.  I had such a blast!

I support LGBT equality.  Gay marriage, in my mind, should have the full recognition and equality that straight marriage has in this country.  End of story.

I got up, hit BJ's (insert immature snickering here) & got myself dolled up for the gays.  I even marched in the parade in the city!  Total fluke, it just happened.

It was so much fun.  I went with Danielle, on of the girls I work with.  She was meeting her friend who was marching.  Here's a pic of the two of us.  She's super adorable.
It was so hot out, I was sweating from the second we walked outside from Penn Station, I'm not kidding.

I made a new gay BFF, who started talking to me first, for some reason.  I didn't know said reason until later in us talking.  But here he is, Mike.  Super cute!

He is a fan of Bikram!  I think I accidentally bumped into him, and I apologized. He said no worries, looked me & Danielle over and said, "Ladies!  Looking good, looking hot!"  Then he zeroed in on my Tiffany Heart Necklace and said, "I LOVE that you're rocking the Tiff, girl!"  I said, "Thank you, I love that you recognized where it's from!"  LOL.

We just started talking, and I can't even remember how the subject of Bikram came up, but it did.  He said he hasn't done it in a while, but when he does do yoga, Bikram is the only kind he'll do.  I told him I've been doing Bikram since February, and sexy instructor is a major reason.  You know what Mike said?

"I can tell you do, Kelly.  There's just something about you.  Your clothes, the way you handle yourself, even your hair is sexy." He ran his hand lightly through my curls, turned to Danielle and said something like, "See?  Major difference in someone who does Bikram and someone like you, who doesn't."  Something like that, to that effect.

How sweet was that?  So we just talked about weight loss, Bikram, sexy instructor, and then we even did a shot of tequila together.  I'm not a drinker.  At all.  I couldn't even finish my girl amaretto sour.
LOL.  Danielle had to finish it, since I had about half of it and I was done.

I will leave you with some photos of the day, since I'm way too exhausted to really write anything else. Overall, an awesome day, supporting the LGBT community.

Good choices!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day 1,000 - 100 Lbs. Lost With Weight Watchers & I Wore a Bikini For the First Time Ever!

My 1,000th post, guys!  It's going to be a good one, I promise.  I mean, I'm talking epic proportions here.

Oh, and my power came back this morning before 11AM.  No food spoiled in my fridge, thank goodness.

First, WI Results:
Last week's weight:  164 lbs.
This week's weight:  162.4l lbs.
I lost 1.6 lbs. this week!

Lost with Weight Watchers:   100.2 lbs!  Total lost, 109 lbs!

Holy Jesus!  Look what I got from Weight Watchers.
How cool is this?  Love it!

I didn't stay for the meeting, I headed to Bikram with Tommy, aka sexy instructor.  OMG - he kinda checked me out today!  I'm swiping my card, and he looks at me and goes,

"Hey, Kelly, how much weight have you lost?"

Me:  "You mean, since I started Bikram, or in total?"

T:  "In total."

Me:  "If I told you, you wouldn't believe me," said with a slight flirty grin.

T:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "109 total."

T:  "Whoa.  That is sick.  I've noticed you've also gained more muscle tone and you're definitely more shapely now.  Bikram will do that."

Me:  (internal swoon.)  Well, thank you.  I've kinda noticed the muscle thing too.  See my baby bicep muscle?  (Flexes tiny baby bicep muscle that does not compare to his at all.)

T:  "Nice!"

I soooo wanted to jump over that counter and do some things to him.  Shiver.....

I sweated like nobody's business.  It felt great - I felt great.

Even though it was hot as balls outside and I didn't hydrate enough before the session like I normally do, it was still awesome.  The Tommy conversation totally played a part.

I head to run back home to shower, eat, check on my fridge, and change.

Into the bikini.

Something I have NEVER done in my life.  The bikini I would be wearing in public for the first time ever.


Yeah, I dropped a hashtag, so what?  I'm a Twitter whore now, apparently.



And no one laughed at me.

No one pointed at me.

No one mocked me.

No one chased me off the beach for daring to wear it.

Instead, with nervous trepidation, I ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF MY BIKINI.

100% real.  100% voluptuous and gorgeous.

100% happy and ecstatic I wore this!

I've got it, I'm flaunting it.  My tatas are real, not surgery enhanced.  I'm a natural D or DD cup, what are you gonna do.  Sorry, flat chested chicks.  I can't help it if I was naturally blessed!

And yeah, in case you couldn't tell, I am PROUD OF MY BOOBS!

Again, I have weird tan lines, I know.  And there was no way I was posting a full body pic.  Not ready for that and I hate my midsection.

I may have broken Twitter with these today.  Apologies for that.  I swear I didn't mean it.  ;-)

Fucking awesome, EPIC day.  I tracked everything, got in all of my HDG (Healthy Daily Guidelines from WW), and stayed within my points.

I got super awesome supportive comments on Facebook & Twitter today about this & my milestone weight loss with Weight Watchers - I appreciate them all!  More than you could ever know!

Embrace your body type!  Embrace your curves!

I love my voluptuous figure.  This is how I'm built, no other thing but to accept it.

Remember the human body is a beautiful thing.

Good choices!

Good choices!

Day 999 - Power Outage & Last Chance Workout.

As I write, I’m at my parent’s house.  Why, you ask?  I’ll tell you.   Because there was a major thunder storm around NY today, complete with pouring rain and lightning, that knocked the power of out my complex. 

So no power, no AC, no working out at home.  I can’t stay in a place where the room temperature is hitting 100 degrees, which is pretty much what it was today.  My parents have power, so I rather reluctantly decided to come here.

The second I set foot in the house, I already wished I had gone to the Holiday Inn.  Or any cheap motel that had WiFi.  I love my parents to death, but they drive me absolutely f*cking batsh*t crazy.
Apologies for the language.  I’ve been TRYING to be good about that lately.  But every now and then, certain days, certain circumstances, demand things like that.  I even thought about throwing out a few C-words (I know, horrible, isn’t it?) but decided against it.  If you follow me on Twitter, then you know Eff bombs were thrown out sparingly and without a SINGLE bit of remorse.


Still no power at my building as we speak.  This totally blows…  Boo.

I was in a foul mood, letting things out of my control just get to me.  I tend to do this a lot.  Very bad personality trait, I know.  Can’t help it, I guess.  Well no, that’s not exactly true.  Of course I can help it, of course I can work on this.  I can work on this like everything else I’ve worked on & tackled in my life so far.  Especially the last 6 months.

Someone (and I’m not gonna say who) who always manages to talk me out of my foul mood convinced me to go to my Mom’s and get in some kind of workout.  Any workout.  My old treadmill is still there, and there’s no AC in the room.  Which meant that my sweat tonight was going to be epic.  EPIC.

I started my last chance workout kinda late, later than I would’ve preferred.  But again, circumstances were out of my control. 

The important thing is: I DID IT.

I did 53 minutes on the inclined treadmill, and I burned 483.  And like I predicted, my sweatiness was EPIC.  See?

Irritating, but solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my HDG (Healthy Daily Guidelines from Weight Watchers), and stayed within my points.

WI is tomorrow, and I am feeling pretty confident about it.  I think there is  a strong possibility that I may hit the official 100 lb lost mark with Weight Watchers!  I’m so excited about that, you have no idea!  Wish me luck!

After WI, I plan on hitting Bikram with sexy instructor.  It will help clear my head and take my mind off things I can’t control.  I always feel so much better once I do Bikram – it is the best thing that I ever could have done.  Thank you to PriorFatGirl for making me aware of it!  Thanks Jen!  :-)

Good choices!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Day 998 - Acceptance. For Now.

So this is where I am at now.  I need to accept what I've done to my body.  All of it.

The weight gain.  The horrible health problems that resulted from it.  The horrible self image.  The feelings of unworthiness.  The exact opposite of self-love.

The weight loss.  All the emotional bullsh*t that comes with losing that protective fat layer.

Feeling broken.  Hating my body.  Hating the sagging skin, the cellulite.

Accepting that this is my body now is HARD.  As hard as self-forgiveness and self-love.  For me anyway.

I am trying.  I get a little better with this everyday.  But it is so freaking hard letting go, isn't it?  Imagine how much easier our lives would be and how much better we'd feel about ourselves if we could just let go already.

Easier said than done, I know.  It is a process.

Drazil, it's hard, I know it is.  But if we don't accept/forgive, what's the alternative?  Is this how we really want to live our lives, with all those crappy feelings?  Do we both really want to carry this bs around with us forever & forever amen?  Holy hell, life is too short as it is.

Time, more than time, to turn this crap around, doncha think?  I mean, don't you believe that you deserve more?  I know you do, Draz.

I'm totally switching gears here, so please keep up with me, people.  I am starting to feel better about my body, about myself.  If you follow me on Twitter, you know I like to tweet nonsense.  Like about my tatas and how fantastic they are.  LOL.   Yeah, I talk about them a lot.  It's my way of accepting my body.  That even after losing 100 +, I still have them and they are still holding up amazingly!  LOL.  See?

Black & white print dress from JCPenney's.  I've worn this dress before.  One of the German ladies I work with told me I looked beautiful in this dress today!  I mean, to the point where I got kinda embarrassed and started blushing.  LOL.  She even called one of the girls who works upstairs to come down immediately and see me in this dress.

The Germans are known to be um, not as WARM as other people, so for her to say that was just so damn sweet.  Anytime I hear her on the phone speaking to her husband in German, I can't decide if she's angry with him, or if that's just how German sounds when spoken normally.  Nein, nein, nein, nein!

Anywho.  Can you believe that?  Talk about catching me off guard.  So sweet.  I even gave her a big hug afterwards for saying that to me.  :-)

It was over 100 degrees out with the humidity factored in, and my crazy ass decided to head to Bikram anyway.  I made a quick stop at the grocery store, and apparently I neglected to lock my car.  I always lock my car.  The one time I don't, and someone swipes my purple, sweaty yoga mat!  Can you believe that?!

I keep my yoga mat rolled up in the back seat of my car all the time.  I don't feel like carrying it back & forth.  And since it was rolled up, there was no way it just slipped underneath one of the seats.  I checked anyway, and nothing.  I even looked in my trunk although I never keep it there.  I'm going to have to do that once I buy yet another purple mat.  Grr.

I mean, who would do something like that?  Person who stole my yoga mat - it's covered in my own funkiness and sweat, bitch!  Hope karma decided to reward you with dog caca smeared all over your car and shoes and lawn.

I had to rent a mat at the studio.  Shrug.  It's a good thing I have an extra yoga mat at home, but I really liked my purple one.  Guess I'll have to shell out another $20 for one.

Bikram was hard for me today.  The outside heat wasn't helping.  I don't think I properly hydrated myself, because I struggled today and normally I don't.  I had to sit out the first camel pose too, the one where you feel like you will vomit up your insides.  But I still worked hard.

Soaked in my own sweat, I was.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my HRG, and stayed within my points.

I still can't believe someone stole my yoga mat.  People are awful.  This is why I say sometimes that people suck.

Because they can.  And they do.

Nothing I can do about it now.  I AM LETTING IT GO.

Good choices!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Day 997 - Forgiving and Learning to Love Myself.

Well, well, well.

Thank you all for your comments.  Thank

I must admit, that when I first started blogging, I did it for accountability.  I needed a space where I could admit honestly and openly that I needed help.

That I couldn't do this all on my own.

That I needed an outlet and a release that real life does NOT always provide.

That I am not perfect.

That I hated myself for what I've done to my body.  All that damage, all that harm, completely self-inflicted.

Why did I do that?

I was broken.  I am still broken, and that is so HARD for me to admit.  And so I hated myself.  I convinced myself that I DESERVED everything, all the horrible unhealthy things, that ravaged my body due to obesity.

Jessi made such an important point in her comment to me, which got me thinking, and now it's turned into this post.  Thank you, Jessi.  :-)

She said I had to learn to A) forgive myself; and

B) learn to LOVE myself.

Those two things are exponentially hard.

Because I have no idea how to forgive myself.  And I am only just now slowly, with gritted teeth and clenched fists, that I am starting to love myself.

Because if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me?

Jessi, I have no idea how to start forgiving myself.  I'm still so angry that I allowed it to get to the point where it put me in the hospital.  Where it might potentially hinder any future procreating efforts on my part.  How on earth do you begin?  Where do you begin?

I am struggling with the self-love and forgiveness.

I am slowly clawing my way through, kicking and screaming.

And putting myself out there, opening myself up to new things and new people.  Not necessarily to just men, or romantic situations, but meeting more people.  People that have the potential to become lifelong friends and important people in my life.  Like so many of you have come to symbolize for me already.  This is why I love, LOVE social media.  I have connected with so many different people, lovely people that I have never met in person, but have bonded with anyway.  :-)

I was supposed to meet with The Sadist after work today, but because the hot weather was out of control (96 degrees today) she texted and rescheduled for next week.  My crazy self would've gone anyway, but best to err on the side of caution.  I'd rather not pass out and faint from heat stroke, thank you very much.  So I went home, turned on the AC, and did Cardio Core Circuit with Cathe Friedrich. My second time doing it, and it was still insane.  Even with the AC on, I sweated buckets.  I'm not kidding.   I added an extra 15 minutes of cardio intervals to make my workout into an hour.  The DVD is about 45 minutes.  Speed rope intervals, calf pumps, 100 side bends, 100 knee repeaters on both sides, high leg kicks, jogging, and lots of squats.  And I burned 423 calories.
That sweat is no joke, people.  LOL.  Sweat is beautiful.  Sweat is sexy.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my HDG, and stayed within my points.

Jessi, thank you for being you, and for inspiring this post.  I love you right back, lady.  And I wish I could hug you too.  :-)

Thank you for reminding me that we do have control over our own lives.  Over our own fates.

Happiness is a conscious choice that we all have to make.  It is not just handed to you.  You must work at it.  It takes work.

It takes acceptance that you deserve it.

You choose whether or not to be happy.  You choose your own happiness.  

I will be choosing mine.

I deserve it.

So do all of you.  So do all of us who decide that we are worthy, and that we deserve it, too.

Good choices!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Day 996 - Feeling Vulnerable. Again.

I've mentioned how my appetite has seemed to disappear recently.  Please don't take that the wrong way.

I am eating.  I am NOT starving myself.  That is not happening.

I think my body is reacting to some of the MAJOR changes I've been going through.  And I realize that loss of appetite is not a good thing.  I have been feeling vulnerable again.

And that scares me to death.

Because when I feel that way, I feel that I can't control my thoughts, and my natural inclination to square my shoulders against the world.  My mind starts racing, and I have all these thoughts in my head.  Thoughts that would take me all day to articulate properly without sounding like a complete basket case.

I have a feeling I need to change the dosage and brand of my birth control pill.  Since I started taking it 4 years ago, I've lost over 100 pounds.  And my body is freaking out with all the changes.  So I think it stands to reason that the amount of hormones I may have needed 4 years ago, I do not need now.  I don't want to necessarily stop taking it.  I don't want to start skipping cycles again which led to my forming 2 cysts on my left ovary, one of them rupturing, and having a laparascopy to remove the other one that refused to go away.

I have to start believing that I am worthy and deserve all the wonderful changes and things that have happened to me in the last 6-9 months.

And I MUST start believing that I deserve all the wonderful changes and things that have yet to come in the future!  It's not enough to think it.

I must believe it.  I must feel it.

In my case, this is what happens when you deal with losing a colossal amount of weight.  I don't know how it's been for any of you who've lost a ton, but I'm interested in hearing from you about it.

I am on my way.  I am still a work in progress.  And the next 6 months, I just know will bring even more beautiful and wonderful things my way.   I will be ready for them.  Whatever they may be.  :-)

After talking to Kenz today and getting some things out, I felt better and more clear.  It really does help to release the BS and talk it out.

And I was super excited about going to Bikram with Tommy.  Hehe.

Bikram has changed my life!  I can't formulate the right words to do it justice.  I started Bikram in February.

Since then, I'm down almost 30 pounds.  27 pounds, to be precise.  That is crazy.  But I love it.

I wore this adorable pink cami from Old Navy in a size Medium, and a pink strappy sports bra from Nike, also in a Medium, underneath.  I felt cute and feminine.  The problem was I almost, umm, popped out of it during the floor series.  Not exactly the impression I was going for!  But I worked hard, concentrated on myself during those 90 minutes, and I felt powerful.

I sweated so much, I was THANKFUL I was wearing that sports bra.  That would've led to some embarrassing peep show.  Hehe.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

I deserve to be happy.  I think I've been feeling unworthy of it because of all the self esteem issues that come with being morbidly obese.  Unworthiness, worthless - all those things and more.

But I deserve to be the most important person in a man's life.

I will not be second choice.  I will not settle for being second fiddle.


I am more than that.  I am a voluptuous goddess that ANY man would be lucky to have!

I'm going to bed with a huge smile on my face, a clear conscious and a clear mind.  Hope you all are too.

Good choices!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Day 995 - I Felt Beautiful and Sexy in My Bikini.

I didn't get a chance to go to the beach yesterday because it got cloudy real fast.  The temperature dropped too, so a beach trip was just not feasible yesterday.

Know what I did do?  I decided there was NO way I couldn't not wear it anyway.  I mean, I just wanted to feel it on my body again.

I wanted to feel that feeling I got when I tried it on in the fitting room.

I NEEDED to prove for myself that not only could I wear it without a care in the world, but that I would look f*cking awesome wearing it!

So this morning, before work, before I jumped into the shower, before I started my day, I slipped it on.

The triangle top and the stringy bottom slipped on perfectly.

They fit.

I fit.

And it felt wonderful!

I could say certain things.

I could say that I wished my thighs were slimmer.

I could say that I wished my midsection weren't quite so flabby.

I could say that I wished my saddlebags weren't there, and that you couldn't see them.

I could say all that and more, since I am my (and my body's) biggest and worst critic.

But I won't.

Instead I will say that I felt beautiful in my bikini.

I felt sexy.

I felt gorgeous.

I felt voluptuous.

I felt that it was ok for me to wear it.

I felt that I COULD wear it.

My boobs looked freaking awesome in my triangle top.  So what if they might be popping out of it?  I filled it out very nicely.  Most women would KILL to have the kind of cleavage I have.  And retained, even after losing over 100 lbs.  ;-)

Don't hate me for that - it's just sheer dumb luck!

I danced around it in this morning.  Blinds were closed, of course.  Not that they should've been.  I could've opened them.  Probably should have, but decided against it.

This weekend.  I WILL be rocking the sh*t out of my bikini at the beach.  Don't you worry!

No pics, people.  I'm pretty daring (lately), but even I won't post a pic of me in my bikini.

Not yet, anyway.

But today, I felt beautiful and sexy in my bikini.  I felt gorgeous.  And it was wonderful.  And very, VERY liberating.  :-)

I decided to sneak in some core work today when I could.  200 side bends, 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches, and full form plank held for 1 minute, 23 seconds are all in the books for today!

I decided to hit strength training real heavy today.  I started with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Total Muscle Shaping with Stephanie Huckabee.  It had been a while since I had done this DVD, so I dug it out and gave it a whirl.  My only peeve with it is that there are cardio intervals included.  I really just wanted to focus on strength, so during the cardio segments, I just did more strength moves.  Squats, hammer curls, dips, lunges, side lunges, clean & press, French press, plie squats, and military press.  I did tricep dips for the first time in my life with this DVD, and I know I will be feeling it tomorrow.  Holy Jesus, I sweated like a pig, burning 552 calories.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and stayed within my points.

Still not much of an appetite, but I did eat and got my meals in.  Not sure what's going on with the lack of appetite.  It's been an ongoing thing for about 2-3 weeks.  Shrug.

Today was a good day.

I wore a bikini, and I felt beautiful.

I felt gorgeous.

I felt sexy.

I felt voluptuous.

No, I do not need to wear a bikini to feel all of those things.

But it helped.

And it was a very liberating thing.

Good choices!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Day 994 - Father's Day, VS & No Sexy Instructor.

Happy Father's Day to all you Dads out there.  I managed to snap a pic of me & my Dad today.  Hard to do because the tremors due to his Parkinson's are bad.

When I was little, everyone would tell me I was the spitting image of my Papi.  We definitely have the same nose. My curly hair (and the shape of my eyes, I think) I get from my Mom.

I went to get measured again at VS, and can you believe I went down ANOTHER band size?  Technically, I'm in between sizes right now. I measured a 35.  I can wear either a 34 or a 36, which blows my freaking mind.  I've NEVER been a 34 in my entire life.  EVER.  NSV?  So my cup size will either be a D or a DD, depending on the size I get because bras have sister sizes.  You can be either a 34D or a 32DD.  The girl who measured me told me that she has bras in both of her sizes because like me, she's in between sizes.

As long as I'm a D or a DD, I'm good.  Like I have a choice in the matter. Most chicks should have THIS particular problem, I know.  ;-)

Anywho, so sexy instructor was supposed to lead the 6PM Bikram session tonight.  I was excited.  Since the dress I wore yesterday I only had on for like 3 hours, I decided to totally wear it again today. I even walked into the studio with it on, and a change of workout gear in my yoga bag.

And Tommy was no where to be seen.  In fact, NO ONE, instructor-wise, was at the studio.  Very strange.  The doors were unlocked, the studio heat was pumping.  They usually turn it off when there are several hours in between sessions.

Some of the people left after 15 minutes.  One of the advanced students looked up the poses on her phone, and she led the session.  Although not really, she just announced which pose was next and when we had to change.  I'm glad I stayed because I was really wanting to leave.  But I sucked it up, stayed, and earned a good sweat.

Oh, and I used the opportunity to send him a Facebook message, asking if he was ok and what had happened.  We're not friends on Facebook, which is probably a good thing, considering I post statuses where I outright refer to him as "sexy instructor."  LOL.

That glistening you see is sweat.  Funkiness in all its glory.

I didn't have much of an appetite again today.  Which is bad.  I think I'm upset about something, although I can't exactly pinpoint what it is.  I mean, I get hungry but then I'll get distracted or busy with something, and then the feeling passes and then I forget to eat.  Yeah, me of ALL people, forgetting to eat.  I was better today, although the appetite was still almost non existent.

Much better day.  Stayed within my points, tracked everything, and got in all of my requirements.  Solid.

Hope OKC pulls it off tonight.

Reading blogs then going to bed soon.

Good choices!

Day 993 - WI Results & Bikini Shopping.

Last week's weight:  164.4 lbs.
This week's weight:  164.0 lbs.

I lost 0.4 lbs. this week.  Considering I wasn't expecting to lose any weight at all, I'm ok with this.  Last weekend's off-eating set me back.  I am owning up to it, I know better than to do that, so I am moving on.  Please no pats on the head or anything like that.  I know the intentions are good, but at this point, with me so damn close to goal, I know better.  End of story.

Before I forget, one of my favorite new bloggers, someone I only just discovered recently, Miss Bailey J, gave me a shout out on her blog yesterday.  Where she talked about (what else?) my fabulous tatas & my Victoria's Secret wardrobe!  Love you right back, girl!  :-)

Today was the day, people.  Today was the day I was going to go bikini shopping for the first time EVER in my whole life!  I went to TJ Maxx and browsed about a bit.  My main focus was to find a bikini I liked that wouldn't make me burst into tears when I tried it on.

I found a black, triangle top bikini that was really cute.  The triangles looked a little tiny to contain my, um, assets, but I decided to try it on anyway.  I was feeling so vulnerable just looking at it in the dressing room.  I thought for sure I would start crying.  I felt like I was going to, I'm not kidding.

And then. . . . I tried it on.

And I actually really liked how it looked on me.  The triangles were a little too small, but I liked how they looked.  So screw it, tomorrow when I go to the beach in the morning, I will be wearing it.  In public.  On the beach. And I will be rocking the living sh*t out of my bikini!

No pics of the bikini, people.  I'm still struggling with my insane insecurity about that.  And about how my midsection looks.  I'm trying to work through it and deal with it in my own way.  Like dressing really cute today.  Honestly, I thought I looked damn good in my dress today.

So cute, right?  Black, strapless tube top dress from NY & Company in a medium.  The dress made me look really cute.  Or I make the dress look really cute.  It's probably the latter.  :-)  Can you see how red my sunburned arms are?  I had gone to the beach earlier in the day, and lost myself reading Fifty Shades Freed.  Oh.My.God.In.Heaven.

Christian Grey MUST exist somewhere in reality.  Swoon . . . .

Sorry for going off on the tangent again.  Here's what else I scored at TJ Maxx.

Olive green skirt in a size 10 and medium, sea green blouse.  The skirt was tight around my stomach and hips, what else is new?  But it was loose around my waist.  Apparently my hips and stomach are not shrinking at the same rate as my waist.  Dammit.

Good, but not solid, day in the books.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and went over my points by 4.  I'm ok with that.  Tomorrow, I plan on NOT going over my points at all.

Need to hit the sack, just hope my weird upstairs neighbor doesn't keep me up with his horrific taste in music. Enya.  Nuff said.

Drazil - I love you.  That is all.  :-)

Good choices!

Friday, June 15, 2012

Day 922 - I Am Voluptuous & Last Chance Workout.

Happy Friday people!  Seriously, I'm crazy excited it's the weekend.  We're supposed to have perfect, sunny weather this weekend, and I full intend to take advantage by sunning myself.  With proper skin protection and sunblock, of course.  :-)  I just look so much better when I'm tan, I feel.  Just my opinion, though.

In honor of Dress Week (like I need an excuse nowadays to wear dresses), here is what I wore to work.

Empire slip dress from MaxAzria.  Yeah, the slip dress is a LITTLE '98, but you know what?  I'm not caring about that at all.  I have not been able to wear this dress in forever, and I love it!  My waist is getting smaller, this I can tell.  FINALLY.  All those sneak sessions working my core in the file room and empty office seem to be paying off.  And it brings more definition to my voluptuous figure.

P.S.  How great is that word?  Voluptuous just sounds so damn sexy, doesn't it?  I love it, I really do.  I LOVE being voluptuous and having curves.  I would much prefer to be voluptuous over having absolutely no shape at all any day of the week!  VOLUPTUOUS.  Yeah, I threw it in there again.  :-)

I saw this quote online somewhere and I just had to share it.  I can't remember now if I saw it on Facebook or on Twitter.

"Dear weight loss: Please leave my girls alone and take it from my hips and thighs instead!"


My entire core is definitely feeling those non-weighted side bends  and regular crunches from yesterday.  My obliques are sore.  I never thought I would say that.  Bikram also works your core like mad.  Who knew?  :-)

I'm also feeling my glutes and thighs, so I decided to obliterate my upper body today.  I started with 20 minutes on the treadmill, then I did The Firm Upper Body Split.  The format of this DVD is strange, I don't really like it.  They throw in crunches in the middle, which I'm not wild about.  So while that was going on, I was doing extra sets of bench press and pec flys on the floor.  Lots of push ups and lat rows in this DVD.  I feel like my arms will fall off tomorrow.

I ended my workout by holding a full form plank for 1 minute, 12 seconds.  My body shook the whole time.  I'm pretty sure I may have ruptured something important, like an organ or my uterus.  True Story.  I burned 423 calories.
I'm not really happy with this calorie burn.  It could've been more, it should've been more.  But I think it's because doing strength can slow your heart rate down.  Eh.  I sweated, I worked out hard, what more can I do.

Tracked everything, got in all of my HDG, and stayed within my points.

I felt off today.  I wanted to eat every single thing in sight.  Thank goodness there's nothing bad at work or in my house.  I was just feeling snacky.  And my home scale says I haven't lost a single pound this week either.  Yes, I weigh myself daily.  I am a slave to the damn scale.  Le sigh.  So I'm not sure what WI will be like tomorrow.  Well, fingers crossed, so wish me luck!

My Yankees showed the Nats who's still Boss.  :-)

Catching up on blogs & then hitting the sack.  I may or may not be on Twitter.  Say hi if you see me.  LOL.

Good choices!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Day 921 - Core Work & Bikram.

So yall  know I hate my midsection with a passion, right?  I have working it even more because I have it in my head it won't make a bit of difference.  So what's the point.

I  know, I know.  I need to work my core anyway, regardless of what it looks on the outside.  It's important to strengthen it like any other muscle in the body.  So that's what I'm trying to do, and have been doing the last 2 weeks at work.  Shh!  Don't tell anyone at my job, mkay?  That just stays between me and you.

So here's what I did today, in intervals, because it's not a good idea for me to disappear for 10 minutes at a stretch.  Never know when the partners, especially the senior partner, might be lurking, or looking for me.  200 non-weighted side bends, 100 regular crunches, and a 65 second, full form plank!   In a dress, no less!  Yes, my body was shaking the entire time, almost from the get-go, but you know what?  I don't care.  Because I did it.  And apparently, I need to practice executing more planks more often.  Must remember to keep those shoulders locked in place and NOT to sag my hips.  My voluptuous hips.  :-)

Wanna see what I wore to work today?  (Seriously, what is up with me & the freaking camera already?)

Sleeveless, purple print, empire waist dress in a size Medium from JCPenney's.  I love this dress, and haven't really worn it anywhere.

The consensus about the dress yesterday was to try getting a nice black belt so that my waist is more defined.  I do really love the pattern, it's a true size 8, and I currently own nothing like it.  So I will try to look for something I like, although I just am not an accessories girl.  My style (if you can call it that) is pretty simple and basic.  The clothes, especially the dresses, I've selected recently are so fabulous on their own that I just feel accessories are not needed.  Just my opinion though.

I really should be a personal buyer/shopper for a rich, glamorous NYC society lady.  Honestly.  My talents are just being wasted.  Wasted, I tell you!

Amy, thanks for your comments and for clearing up the misunderstanding!  No worries, we both misunderstood and misread each other.  And please don't think I was attacking you.   I wasn't.  I would NEVER do that, I do not viciously, verbally attack people.  I am not THAT blogger.  There are plenty of blogs and bloggers out there that do that.  I am not one of them.  My blog is not one of them, and I am not about that.  Mkay?  :-)

The Bikram schedule changed AGAIN.  But not in a good way this time.  Sexy as f*@k instructor was leading the 8PM session.  So I hightailed it over there, and got my sweat on.  There weren't a lot of people in the studio, which was good.  When it's packed, it gets about 75 degrees warmer.

Mother Nature is trying to tell my body that it cannot perform tree pose. Ever.  At all.  Mother Nature can go, um, fly a kite.  (Trying to keep it PG for my ladies with the sweet innocent eyes.  :0) )  One of these days, I will get my foot all the way up to my hip, dammit.  Anywho, I worked hard and sweated harder.
Drenched.  Love that feeling.

Afterwards, Tommy and I met in the hallway.  I smiled at him, and he said to me, "Great job tonight, Kelly!"  Swoon.  I said, "Thanks Tommy.  Great class!"  Oooh, goose bumps just remembering.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of HDG, and stayed within my points.

Staying up to watch the last of the Heat/Thunder game, then I'm hitting the sack.

Good choices!  #OKC

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 920 - Dress Shopping.

It's been a miserable few days here in NY.  The rain just refuses to go away.

So I decided to go for a little pick me up, retail therapy style.  :-)

Danielle & I headed over to TJ Maxx at lunchtime, just to peruse their merchandise.  I swear!  Ok, fine, I admit that I went there to look for shoes, specifically jeweled sandals.  But I couldn't find a single pair that I liked.

I did, however, find this, although I'm not crazy about how it fit me.

Green pattern dress from Calvin Klein.  In a size motherf*cking 8!!!!  And it zips up in the back, so you know it's a true size 8.  However, I'm not crazy about the potato sack look it's making me have here.  I did wind up buying it with the thought of perhaps getting it taken in.  If it's a completely hopeless situation, or too expensive, then I'll just return it.  I liked this dress because it's different from anything I own.  So I'll keep you updated on whether or not I decide to keep it.

I need to know what you guys think, since I'm always seeing the exact opposite of what other people see.  I see a potato sack.  What do you guys see?

I decided to go super hardcore, super fierce with my workout tonight.  I started with 21 minutes on the inclined treadmill, then I did The Firm Lower Body Split.  OMG.  My lower body is on fiya already!  Lots of squats, plies, lunges, dips, leg presses on the 14 inch step, and some plyo jumps.  I forgot how much they liked their lunges in this one.  I heavied up the weights to challenge myself.  I really wanted my glutes, thighs, and hamstrings to just burn!  They are burning already, like I said.  And I burned 588 calories.  What?!

Sweat was pouring out of everywhere.  I mean, I am seriously drenched here, people.  Fo sho.  I wanted this workout to be a don't-f*ck-with-me kind of thing.  My glutes and thighs will not love me at all tomorrow, I can already tell.

Much better day today.  Tracked everything, stayed within my points, and got in all of my requirements.  Solid.

It's supposed to be a nicer day tomorrow, so perhaps I will rock another dress to work.  We shall see.  :-)

My bed is calling me.

Good choices!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 919 - My Sense of Style, Negative Self Talk, & Bikram.

I'm glad ya'll were able to appreciate my humor yesterday about my wh*re mouth.  :0)

I know I need to cut it out with the negative self talk BS.  Believe me, I know it.  And I openly admit to having a terrible case of body dysmorphia.  It's not anything I'm proud of, but I have it, it's in my head, and if I could snap my fingers and make that go away, believe me - I'd have done it already.

I struggle with letting the girl in the before photo go.  She is always going to be a part of me, no matter what.   She will never go away, because there is always a possibility of the weight coming back.  Of course I don't want that to happen, but if I am not on my game, like I wasn't this weekend, all it takes is one slip up, one moment of not caring, and it can all come back.  I am extremely conscious of that.

Which is why I am so rigid with myself.  I don't allow myself to eat things that I know are trigger foods, and I don't keep them in my house.  With the exception of this weekend, I haven't had much of an appetite the last two weeks.  Don't ask me why that is, I don't really know.  The only thing I can comep up with is that my tastes have changed, and maybe my stomach has gotten smaller.  On the inside anyway, don't talk to me about what it looks like on the outside.  OMG, there I go again!  Anywho, sweet mama Adrienne (I don't know why I'm calling you that all of a sudden, but it just seems to suit you!) tweeted me just yesterday, asking me if I was eating enough.  How cute.  I told her she sounded just like my mama!  LOL.

Adrienne, I am eating all my points, I swear!  I am not starving myself, nor am I not eating on purpose. The weight coming off as quickly as it is I can attribute to one thing - my laser sharp focus.  This weekend excluded.   Although, it might also be the Snickers bars deficiency.  :-)

I've been getting lots of compliments about the clothes I've been buying and wearing recently.  Thank you all so much for your sweetness!  It's hard to think of me having a sense of style.  The girl in the before photo usually just picked out whatever fit and whatever hid her fat rolls well.  But now?

I'm not afraid of bright, solid colors or prints.  As long as it's not something hideous and loud like neon orange or hot yellow, I can pull it off.  It also helps that I have the coloring and complexion for it.  Obviously, certain pale, fair skinned people wouldn't look good in light pastels, but my coloring says I could.  I like what I like, I can't explain it.  Although I do think I need to start gravitating more towards prints and color block designs.  I feel as if I have too many solids in my wardrobe now, which isn't a bad thing, but it is always good to switch it up every once in a while.  Like with my maxi dress, for example.   I'll buy things at Macy's, JCPenney's, TJ Maxx, Banana Republic (when things go on sale there) and of course, Victoria's Secret.  I like young, fresh, flirty, and just a hint of sexy in my clothes.   Which pretty much describes me to a T, doncha think?  :-)

Snuck in some core work in the file area.  100 non-weighted side bends, 100 mountain climbers, 100 reverse crunches, 100 regular crunches, and 60 rope climbs.  If I don't work my abs at work, I won't want to at home.  Just makes sense to me for some reason.  Hehe.

Sexy instructor led the 8PM session tonight, and off I went even in this miserable, rainy weather.  I worked hard, and tonight, I focused on what I could do, rather than on what I couldn't.  I still thought about that damn tree pose, but there was no tweaking of my IT band tonight!  I just felt so great afterwards, I didn't think about the outside world at all, and I focused on myself for 90 minutes.  Just perfect.
Soaked and drenched in my own sweat to the core.  I totally loved it!  And Tommy looked extra sexy tonight too, for some reason.  I mean, damn!  Oh and Liz - I totally was in the very front row, not wearing a white tank top, but a tank top nevertheless that very nicely displayed the tatas and my voluptuous, hour glass figure.  I need to take a photo of myself in my Bikram workout gear.  Even I could see how my fuller hips brings more attention to my cinched in, smaller waist.

Better day today.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and went over my Points by 2.  Breakfast was a fail today.  Apparently, I didn't rinse out of all the dish detergent from my hot cereal Tupperware container, so my Farina tasted like Dawn.  Ick.  I improvised with a little peanut butter on 4 whole wheat Trader Joe's crackers, hard boiled egg, light Babybele cheese, and an apple.  The Farina would've been so much better.  Container is properly rinsed out now. :-)

Hitting the sack now.

Good choices!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Day 918 - Black Eye, Saddle Bags, Sadist & Wh@re Mouths.

Well.  I've had a very. . . umm, interesting day.

It started off pretty positively, I'm not kidding.

I woke up, the sun was shining, and I decided to not only put on my Calvin Klein emerald green dress that I scored at TJ Maxx, but also my Colombian emeralds to match.  (I hardly wear jewelry now because I swear I'm going to lose it.)  This is the dress I'm talking about.

Cute as hell, right?  I love this color.

And then I saw the photo.  Know what I concentrated on?  Not my smaller, cinched in waist.  Not my amazing, still there tatas.  Not the fact that this dress is a designer original and in a size 10.  Which is the smallest I have been since college.  Nope.  I zeroed in on my saddle bags and cellulite thighs whose outlines I can clearly see through my dress.

And all the awful, negative self talk just brought me crashing back rather unpleasantly to reality.  Why am I doing that to myself?

Oh, and I almost gave myself a black eye today changing the container at the water cooler.  Great times.  The empty bottle needed an extra tug to release it from the cooler, and the momentum meant me getting smacked in my left eyebrow area with said empty water container.  It hurt for a while, and then I noticed it was starting to get a little red.  Awesome.  Luckily, there is no bruising, which means no black eye.

At lunch, I ran to the supermarket real quick because I was running low on some essentials.  I picked up apples, peaches, pears, triple washed baby spinach, quick cooking brown rice, eggs, and light Babybele cheese.  I can handle them being in my house now for some reason, I was not able to before. I ran into my old coworker/personal trainer Lisa, aka The Sadist.  She was with her daughter, and we are all friends on Facebook.  Lisa said she didn't even recognize me, and her daughter said she's been following my progress.  Very sweet of them to say, and it was so nice to see them both.  Lisa is a petite lady, but don't mess with her.  She's crazy strong.

I got home, was changing into my work out gear, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in my bra and panties.  Where I got an awesome view of my double stomach roll, the loose skin on my midsection, and cellulite and hanging skin on my inner thighs.

And all the sabotaging, negative self talk started up in my head again.  I know I talk a great game, I try to tell myself things like I'm gorgeous, I'm adorable, I'm this, I'm that, but I am still so damn insecure, so damn self conscious.  And I need to start following my own advice.

I saw this on The Firm's Facebook page, and tweeted it.  It is so damn true:

"If you talked to your friends the way you talk to your body, you'd have no friends left." Marcia Hutchinson

How true is that?  I would NEVER talk to my friends the way I talk to myself, the way I talk to my body.  I just could never do that.

And you don't even want to know the things I was saying to my body.  It's so awful it does not bear repeating.

I sat on the couch, wanting to just wallow in my own pity party.  (Yeah, I'm totally that girl.)  I made the mistake of tweeting that, and my super awesome Twitter gals gave me some well deserved shite about it.  You guys know who you are. (Marisol, Liz, Susan & Whitney!)

So I slipped on my socks & sneakers, and just got to it.  I wound up doing 53 minutes on the inclined treadmill, burning 426 calories.

I sweated like a beast.  I'm not kidding.  My sweat was so epic, it dripped all over my treadmill.  Yup.

Solid day.  Tracked everything, got in all of my requirements, and went over my Points by 3.  I'm ok with this.

Amy - thank you for your comment yesterday, appreciate the kind words on my progress!  Regarding 50 Shades, the reason I said it's turning out to be a true romance and love story is because I am actually READING the books.  I have just finished the second one and will start the final book this week.  Have you read them?  It doesn't sound like you have, so I was a little confused about that part of your comment.  I also would not go by any articles unless you read the books yourself.  Articles and word of mouth tend to be deceiving, that's all.  The novels are about Christian Grey's transformation from a damaged, sadistic, detached control freak to a softer, caring, not as super controlling man who will stop at nothing to protect the only woman he has ever been in love with.

Oh, and in other news, it's been confirmed by an established expert that I have a wh@re mouth.  True story.  Yup.  Just another, average day in my world.  ;-)

(For the sweet and innocent, wh@re mouth = whore mouth.  Apologies to Adrienne & Kimberlynn if their sweet innocent eyes have been completely scandalized.)

Lots of great memories were made today.  How was your day?  :-)

Good choices!