Friday, November 30, 2012


I don't have a personal mantra that I repeat daily.

Maybe I should.

I have one today, though.


Carla, you've given me some things to think about.  Mantra-wise.  :-)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Un-Creative Title Kind of Day.

Yeah, I got nothing.

Yesterday was a rest day and I couldn't think of anything creative to say.  Except that my entire upper body was on fire from my workout on Sunday.  Oh mylanta, my shoulders did not like me yesterday or today.

Headed to Bikram tonight.  The instructor who led the class has been scarce since Sandy.   He lives in Far Rockaway.  Where they still don't have power.  Two cars gone & totaled, the house flooded but is still standing by some miracle.  He & his family have been running on generators until the power comes back.  Shame.  He's a very nice man.  Really hope it turns around for him soon.

I wasn't as stiff tonight during yoga.  Eagle pose still makes me want to cry, but what else is new?  One of these days, my damn ankle will wrap around my calf.

This is shaping up to be a busy week for me so far.  Better that than anything else, I guess.

Tomorrow is Mom's routine 2-month appointment with the cardiologist, so I'm going to see about a quick 25 minute workout or so after.  Haven't decided yet.

Sleep, then Sons of Anarchy.  It's a good season so far, although sad.  I really hated seeing some of my favorite characters meet Mr. Mayhem.  No me gusta.


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Weird Sunday.

I can't believe I have to go back to work tomorrow.  Ugh.  Tomorrow is Monday??!!


Quick, tough upper body workout this morning - Did my own warm up with some aero dynamic stretching, then Firm Upper Body.  Coupled with some moves on my own - hammer curls, kettle bell swings, more push ups, lateral arm raises. 483 calories burned.

Drive by, just checking in really.

More tomorrow.

Talk about it being a weird Sunday.

WI Results.

Last week's weight:  159 lbs.
This week's weight:  156.2 lbs.

I lost 2.8 lbs this week!  Take that, food-laden holiday!  :-)

The race results were finally posted.  My OFFICIAL 5K time was 30:53.  What?!  Awesome.  Really happy with that time!

Bikram with sexy instructor right after my meeting.   My back felt really tight today.  I definitely felt it during the first forward bend pose, where you place your biceps behind your knees and pull yourself up.  Ooh, that hurt.  Took longer than usual for me to get warmed up today, for some reason.  I guess I slept all crooked and twisted last night.  Shrug.

Still worked my ass off.  The studio was packed, making the temperature feel like 800 degrees or so.  No biggie.  ;-)

Blustery cold day, so I stayed in and just tidied up.  I started gathering up some of my shit to throw out after viewing 5 seconds of a commercial for Hoarders.  And I started to dust and wipe down my granite countertops.  Eeuww, that show puts me on a cleaning frenzy.  Shiver.

Quick question for all of you:  What's the significance of taking photos on the beach wearing white shirts and khaki pants?  I've never heard of a such thing before today.  We don't do that here in the Northeast where I come from, yo.  Is this a Southern thing?  Please to explain.  I don't get it.

Anywho, I'm off to enjoy the rest of what is left of Saturday.

Friday, November 23, 2012


It's the day after Turkey Day - how was it?  Hope you all enjoyed family and close friends.

I stepped on the scale this morning (I weigh daily in the mornings) and was psyched to see it had moved down.  Awesome.

Can't go wrong with advance planning & actually sticking to the plan.

My lower body was SORE SORE this morning.  Holy sweet Mother, even my obliques were sore.  I can understand why my lower abs were sore because they were, but my sides?  Is that normal?  I was not doing bicycle crunches or weighted side bends during this run.  Hmm.  Must look into this.

Being off from work today had me all discombombulated.  I should've worked out in the morning, but I just wasn't feeling it.  Big surprise, not wanting to work out.  So I delayed it til the evening.  No treadmill today - thighs & glutes needed a break.  I did The Firm Calorie Explosion with Alison.  Forgot how brutal this was.  Lots of agility training, HIIT & strength training.  I started sweating about 4 minutes into the 6 minute warm up.  Yeah.

I probably should've refrained from this particular DVD because it includes plyometric lower body strength moves.  Like tuck jumps.  And plyo plie squats.  And lunges & dips.   Yeah.  There's upper body too, of course, but I felt lower body more today because I was already sore.  When the DVD was done, I added sets of pushups (girl ones, of course) clean & press, hammer curls, overhead press, and upright rows.  Wonder if I'll feel it tomorrow.  482 calories burned - I felt spent.  In a good way.

I ventured out to get a much needed haircut, pick up dry cleaning, and run to the supermarket.  No Black Friday shopping for me.  I just don't see the appeal to rush out & feel the need to get a $4 sweater.  Or an $8 DVD player.  Nope.  Don't see it.

WI is tomorrow, and I'm feeling confident about it.  As in, uber confident.

Was yesterday good, bad, or somewhere in between?  I wanna know.

Sleepy times soon.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

30 minutes, 54 seconds...

my Turkey Trot 5K time!  That's a personal best for me!

Super quick, since I'm supposed to leave to hang out at Wendy's for a little bit.

First - yes, I am thankful for having my family, friends, all of you, and my home.

I am also thankful that I am no longer the fat girl that I was last year at this time.

I am thankful that I have improved my health on such a drastic scale in the last year alone.

I am thankful that I will never again take for granted whole nutritious food and good health.

Got to the starting line literally about 3 seconds before the race started.  Ran the first mile in under 10 minutes, then ran the second mile at an even faster pace than that!  I'm not really sure why or how that happened.  I struggled between miles 2-3 again, but I kept telling myself that not to stop, and jogging at a steady pace would mean finishing the race faster than if I had stopped to walk.

I couldn't believe it when I crossed the finish line and saw that time.  I was shocked.  And I felt awesome.

Food was spot on.  Went to Mom's and did NOT indulge or blow it at all.  I stuck to my plan, ate only what I said I would eat, and not a damn thing more.  No dessert, no whipped cream, no mashed potatoes with tons of butter - no SHIT food.  White meat, lots of cauliflower, 1/8 cup of stuffing, and sweet potato.  Tons and tons of water all throughout the day.

I'm going to fix myself a small salad of dark mixed greens, olive oil, and grilled chicken breast.   After that, food consumption will be done.  At Wendy's, I'll just sip on some water, hang out with my friend and enjoy the company, and nothing else.

Today is just a day.  It is not a day where you throw everything out the window and wake up tomorrow morning regretting your food choices.

I will not be doing that tomorrow.  I will not be regretting tomorrow what I did today.  Hope it's the same with you.  :-)

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I soooo needed my Bikram session tonight.   It was great because there were less than 10 people in the class.  Sexy instructor led the session, and before we started, he made a joke that Thanksgiving Eve was the biggest bar night of the year, so he was proud of us for coming in.  Silly.

I almost - ALMOST - got my foot around my calf during Eagle pose.  Almost, but not quite.  I managed to get two toes behind my calf before I couldn't hold the pose anymore.  Close, but no cigar yet.  I blame that on my huge thunder thighs.   Ooh, that just grates on me, you have no idea.

Still worked hard, still did what I had to, and it felt great.

It was a crazy day at work, trying to get stuff done before the long holiday weekend.  Better to be busy than anything else, I guess.  We got out at 2 PM, always a good thing.

I've been reading blogs whose authors have hoarding tendencies.  Ok, more like a blog, as in one in particular, and hearing/reading about how this person has years and years worth of stuff that's never been tossed has put me in a throw-all-my-old-shit-out kind of mood.   I've also been paying extra diligent attention to keeping my place as neat and as decluttered as possible.

This weekend, I'm going to go through all my clothes, and anything that I haven't worn in a year is being donated to Goodwill.  My kitchen table seemed to be the dumping ground for things like papers and mail, but not anymore.

Getting rid of the clutter and the junk is a perfect metaphor for losing weight, doncha think?  As we shed the fat and the extra layers, it makes sense that you'd get rid of all the other external crap too.  Losing the weight means losing lots of other stuff, too.  In my case, right now, I'm losing the clutter.   I don't like seeing my place a mess, with crap everywhere.

How do you feel about it?  Does it make sense?

Remember to pay extra careful attention to what you eat tomorrow.  There's no reason to eat yourself to death on mashed potatoes, stuffing, or 8 different kinds of desserts.  Seriously.  Inhaling that stuff won't lead to anything good.  I can tell you that much right now.

Turkey Trot 5K in the morning, then back home to prepare what I'm bringing over to Mom's.   Where I will weigh out 3 oz of turkey white meat, the roasted broccoli, cauliflower & string beans, maybe some stuffing, and definitely roasted sweet potatoes.  And chug agua.  Lots & lots of agua.

That's it.  Done.  Simple.

There won't be any clutter of crap or junk food on my plate tomorrow.  ;-)

Remember to take at least a moment to be thankful for everything - and everyone - you have.  Way more important than any food served.

Hope you all have a wonderful Turkey Day!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Plan, Plan, Plan.

I was thinking about this time of year today.  How could I not, there are reminders about it everywhere.  Most people (Americans) will give in to temptation and just say, the heck with it.

But anyone who's trying to lose weight knows what results that will bring.  Even if you're not trying to lose weight and you're paying extra attention to what you're eating because you're making an effort to be conscious of that, then you'll understand also.

Here's what I think and it's because of Jeanette that I started really thinking about it.  So, thanks for that, Jeanette.  :-)  She mentioned that she needed to think about Thursday because she hadn't thought about it yet.  So that spurred me to thinking about how important it is to have a solid plan.  Plan.  Plan.  PLAN AHEAD.

It's a holiday, but it's still just another day.

Think about what you're going to eat or NOT eat ahead of time, and then plan accordingly.  I'm certainly not going to die if I don't have dessert Thursday.  My life will not be changed astronomically if I have stuffing or not.  Which by the way, I'm thinking I'm gonna pass on it.  The sweet potatoes I'm roasting will do just fine and are SO much better for you anyway.  I'm going to make enough stuffing for the meal, but not enough for my mother to say that I should bring home some leftovers.  Because she would do that.  Mothers. . .

You don't need all that crap carb/fat overload, peoples.  I really have no desire to wake up Friday morning feeling like a huge load of lard, overstuffed and bloated, and regretting my food choices.  No, thank you.  I got enough crap to deal with.

I'm planning on doing the Turkey Trot in the morning, then coming home and eating my green monster smoothie, and my regular breakfast.  I'm going to bring a slice of whole wheat bread with my Trader Joe's crunchy PB, I'll grab a fruit at the Turkey Trot and guzzle water right afterwards.  I'll be drinking plenty of H2O like I always do, and I will NOT go to my parents' house hungry.  That's just a recipe for disaster.

That's another thing - if you're going to someone' else's house on Thursday, for the love of all that is holy, don't go on an empty stomach.

This quote has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin, and I'm sure you've heard it over & over.  But it's so freaking true.

Rest day for me.  My quads, glutes, hamstrings and back were SORE SORE today.  My body just needed a break.  Just for today.   Did a plank, 200 non-weighted side bends, and 100 regular crunches. I'm really forcing myself to work my damn core.  Ugh.

Plan ahead and prepare, people.


Monday, November 19, 2012

Thanksgiving Menu & Some Other Stuff.

I wore my brand new, super awesome, 3 inch heel black leather boots to work today.  It was the first time I had ever worn them out in public.

It felt weird.  I felt like maybe I wasn't allowed them to wear them or something.  Like fat girls aren't allowed to dress up prettily, with cute clothes or rocking knee high boots.   The girls at my office wear boots all the time.  High heels, no heels, calf high, knee high, it doesn't matter.   It's boots season, after all.  As long as they aint Julia Roberts Pretty Woman boots, its fine.  But I feel like I can't wear them.  I'm too fat, my legs and calves are too wide, they won't look right, etc.

Then I remember I'm not 271 lbs anymore.  With a jolt, I remember that.

Then, it becomes slightly more ok.  Only slightly.  I wrestled with this more than I should have.  They're just a pair of boots.  Ones that you love, so why the fuck are you overthinking this situation exactly?

Because that's me.

And you know what?  I got lots of really awesome and super sweet compliments on them today!

What the hell was I so afraid of?

Seriously homegirl, you just need to get the heck over yourself.

Honestly, I shoulda stomped on the fat girl voice in my head with those damned heels.  ;-)

Ok, moving on.

Here is what will be on the table on Turkey Day:

Turkey breast, roasted sweet potatoes, broccolli, cauliflower, green beans, gravy, and roast vegetable stuffing.  I'm making this from scratch with NO butter, sliced whole grain bread, olive oil, turkey stock, fresh Italian parsley and thyme, poultry seasoning, celery, apples, onions, garlic, and sliced white mushrooms.

Here is what will be on my plate:

Turkey white meat, the sweet potatoes, 1/4 cup of the veggie stuffing, and the veggies.  Done.  I'm still debating about whether or not to have the stuffing.   Again, if I do, I'm measuring out EXACTLY 1/4 cup and calling it a day.

No, there will not be food porn pics.  I promise!  ;-)

There will be no dessert.  I'm not a pumpkin pie person.  Sure, it's good & all, but it's not something I'd be dying to have.  Not like my Mom's cheesecake, or fudgy brownies or devil's food cake.  I'm a chocolate person, in case ya didn't know.  But, I'm getting sick of seeing pumpkin everywhere now.  Yes, I know it's the season, but man, talk about overkill.   Coffees, cakes, breads, etc.  In fact, last week when Wendy & I sat in Barnes & Noble, flipping through magazines and talking, she stopped at an ad about pumpkin-flavored pretzels or potato chips or something like that.  She said "Euuww, that looks gross!" and showed me the ad.  Agreed with her, I didn't see the appeal.  Potato chips are one of my trigger foods - like BIG time - and I even I wouldn't go near that shit.

Cheddar cheese flavored chips or crackers, on the other hand, are a completely different story.  Which is why that stuff is never in my house.

I woke up this morning with my thighs and lower abs pretty sore from the run yesterday.  Full body strength was on the agenda today.  I took my resistance band and did some squats with hammer curls and lat pull downs with it.  Instead of the treadmill, I warmed up by stepping for 15 minutes.  Then I did The Firm Total Body Toner with Allie del Rio.  She is so annoying in this DVD, which really hurts since she is one of my favorite instructors.  I added some extra moves - squats with overhead press, French press, more lunges, more dips, a plank, and 60 crunches.  Burned 466 calories.

Why does my hair look so crazy?  Why didn't I at least manage a half smile?  Why do I look so freaking crazy?

I'm looking forward to the short work week.  And apparently, during this week, I must get a haircut.  The curls have lost their luster and they're looking like a shaggy dog.  Which is no good.

What's on your Thanksgiving menu?  Big deal, not a big deal?  I'm choosing not to make it a big deal and just spend time with my folks.  Feeling overly stuffed & bloated aint sounding so hot.

It's just a day, spend time with your loved ones.  The food is secondary.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

3 Mile "Fun Run!"

I was up and ready to go at the ass crack of dawn this morning, for some ungodly reason.  Don't ask me why, I just was.  I thought the thing started at 8AM, but when I checked online again, the official start time had changed to 9AM.  Better for me.  More time to have some coffee and fill up my tank.

I got to the running store where the race was starting, dropped off my donation check, then was off.  I checked my watch for my starting time, which was 9:06 AM.   Runners had the option of running 3, 6, or 9 miles if they wanted to.  There were no mile markers, just county PD PO's who announced the turnarounds at 1.5,  3, and 4.5 miles distances in order for the runners to turn around and head back.  I turned around at the 1.5 mile loop.

Between miles 2-3, I started feeling like my lungs were on fire a little bit.  But I just kept telling myself not to stop, that if I kept going, then the run would end faster.  I heard someone running behind me, pacing themselves, I think.  Or at least, I'd like to think that.  We continued like that for a bit until he eventually passed me.  When he did, he kinda looked back, gave me the thumbs up, and said "Good job!"  I said, thanks.  He replied, "I"m just coming back from an injury, so this is perfect for me."  Then he passed me a little bit more, he was about 6 or 7 seconds ahead of me.

We continued like that for the remainder of the race.  I followed closely behind him, and then it was over.  I checked my watch again when I got to the starting point/finish line, and the time was 9:37 AM. 3 miles, 31 minutes.

Not bad for a non-runner.  :-)

Can you believe that some of the post-race refreshments included Krispy Kreme dounuts?  Yup.  A running store that sponsored a RUN served donuts to runners.  Unreal.   I couldn't believe it.

I grabbed a water, and just left.  I never liked Krispy Kreme donuts.  I was a Dunkin Donuts kinda girl.  Yeah, I know that's not any better.  Even the bagels looked gross.  So glad I left.

Headed to Trader Joe's, had my apple and water, and then came back home to do massive Cinderella duties.  I dusted, cleaned the bathroom, vacuumed, and sorted through old big clothes that I just don't wear anymore to donate to Goodwill.  Why the fuck am I keeping that shit around for?  Best to get rid of them so someone more needy can have use of them.

I had started reading this blog of a lady who described taking something like 4 or 5 hours to make a pot of soup because she kept stopping after adding a single ingredient to the soup.  I immediately shut my laptop and got to work.  I don't know about anyone else, but I just don't have that kind of time to waste sitting around bullshitting.  Not that I've never done that before.  I am famous for procrastinating, but 5 hours to make soup?  Jesus Christ.

Before dinner, I got a text from my bro saying he was going to Mom & Dad's with the baby.  So I went too.

How adorable is my nephew?

He looks like our side of the family, in my opinion.

Had a great time visiting with my bro & nephew.  SIL stayed at their house, and Sonia had slept over her other grandparents' house last night, so he had to pick up her after he left Mom's.

Walking Dead, then bed.  Planning on concentrating on strength the rest of the week mixed with some Bikram.

Donuts as refreshments post-race.  Honestly.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

WI Results.

Last week's weight:  162.6 lbs.
This week's weight:  159 lbs.

I lost 3.6 pounds this week.  FUCK YES.

Hit the morning Bikram session right after my meeting.  For some reason, I was really feeling the stretches and poses through my core today.  Must've been those core circuits from Jillian's DVD last night.

But it felt great, and it was nice to hear from everyone in the class that their power had been restored.  The gas rationing is over, back to how it was before.  Worked my arse off, and that felt great too.

No hanging out with BFF today, she had to work.  Boo.  Ran some errands, including  checking out some local clothing sales.  One of the stores had this insane sale, 50% off everything in the store.  Scored some stuff at a steal.

I also had to hit up the grocery store.  The Hostess section was completely ransacked.  Kinda reminded me of when I went to the store the day after the hurricane to get canned crap and some fruit.  I had to pass by the snack aisle, and it was completely empty.

Oh, Americans.  Seriously?  This makes me wonder about humanity, for real.  Sigh.

I'm doing a local fun run tomorrow morning to benefit the Sandy victims.  In lieu of a race fee, runners are asked to give a cash or check donation.  How could I pass that up?  I get my work out don & over with early in the morning and the added bonus of helping people.

On that note, I'm off to hit the sack.

Oh, Americans.  SMH.

Friday, November 16, 2012

So, Next week is Thanksgiving?

I completely forgot about it.  Honestly, I had no idea until my mother called me last night and asked what we were doing and what we were making.


That just shows you where my fucking mind has been lately.  As in all over the place, and not in the right place.  I'm running a Turkey Trot 5K in Oyster Bay that morning that I signed up for last month.  I think I'll be ok, unlike last year, where I ran the Turkey Trot, had been in horrible shape in the months leading up to it, and promptly puked a bit after I crossed the finish line, Biggest Loser style.

Classy, I know.

This year will be better.  I weigh a good 40-50 lbs less, not as much as I would like, but surely NOT carrying that extra flab around will make me run lighter.  I'd like to finish in 30ish minutes, but if that doesn't happen, I'm fine with it.

I'm not sure I even care about Thanksgiving at this point. Correction - I KNOW I don't.  It'll be fine, just me and my parents.  When Mom called me last night, she asked about the food.  Besides turkey breast (we're not getting a whole turkey for 3 people, that's just ridic) we'll be having cauliflower, broccoli, and green beans.  I'm pretty sure she's making gravy. I'm making roasted sweet potatoes and roasted stuffing from scratch using whole wheat bread.  I'll throw in some turkey broth, fresh herbs like parsley, thyme, rosemary, onions, garlic, celery, a little salt & pepper, and chopped apples.  We're not having dessert.  I don't really care about pumpkin pie.  I mean, it's good, but meh.  I'll have a little white meat, a spoonful of gravy, the veggies, and the sweet potatoes.  Done.

Is it wrong that I don't care about it?  I didn't really care about it last year either.  I mean, it's a nice holiday, but right now, I've got to concentrate on things other than holiday food.  I just don't care right now.  Shrug.

BFF asked me to go over after I eat at my parents house, so I'll probably wonder over there to hang out.  It'll be a nice day, a long one, but a nice one.

Jeannette - I was thinking the same thing about the skin issue.  Clearly - when I eat better, my skin doesn't freak out and it actually looks halfway decent.  I have cystic acne scars that have gotten a bit better with the pill, but some stuff will just always be there.  When I eat junk & bullshit food, my skin is going to freak out.  Saving grace in all this?  If you can even call it that - no back-nee.  So there's that.

I will not miss Twinkies.  Haven't had one of those in forever.  I will miss the Wonder Whole Wheat Bread that was usually on sale at the store.  And it does suck that lots of people will be out of jobs.

Late workout, but I'm glad I did it and got it over with.  31 minutes inclined treadmill, then No More Trouble Zones with Jillian.  I've got my issues with Jillian's Biggest Loser past, but the few DVDs that I have of hers are pretty tough.  And they work you out like a bitch.  Like those chair squats with weighted anterior raises.  No me gusta.  They hurt my glutes and my shoulders.  Ditto the static lunges with tricep extensions (I may be wrong about what that particular upper body movement was called, but my tris were KILLING me.)  Holy sweet fuck.  638 calories done & burned.

Why the fuck do I look so tired all the time?  I felt so great afterwards.  Sheesh.

WI tomorrow, and I feel pretty damn confident about it.  Hanging out with BFF & donating some more stuff to the Sandy victims.  I wanted to go to Long Beach, where apparently the boardwalk to the beach has been completely destroyed, (not to mention the overall destruction of homes) but I heard on the news that the area was closed off to non-residents.  :-(

The second Nor'easter that was supposed to hit us last week has headed out to sea, by the looks of it.  Thank God.  I don't think this area could've handled more Mother Nature bullshit.

I'm off - night, people.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Today At Work. . . .

I sneaked in some activity.  Not as much as I would've liked though.  It's hard doing high knees when you're in work clothes.  ;-)

A plank, 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches (I LOATHE these with a passion) and 200 weightless side bends.

Just enough to get the juices going and blood flowing.  No biggie.

I struggle with reverse crunches, I really do.  Ugh.  But I did 'em & got that crap out of the way.  I prefer to do standing ab work, but something tells me that the floor exercises (in combination with cardio, weight training & a healthy food intake, of course) are just more effective.  I'm not a personal trainer or any kind of expert in the least, so don't go by me.  Just a feeling I have.  But what the heck do I know.

I went to the dermatologist yesterday so she could clean up my face a bit.

TMI Alert - this be a lil gross.

When I get my acne flare ups, they are bad.  Not just a zit here and there, I'm talking several, red, inflamed, gross ass pimples.  The kind that hurt if you touch them.  That's how you know they are bad. She does the acne surgery thing which involves this:  opening up said zits with a needle so they won't scar, getting the crap out of the zit that makes it swollen, then injecting them with an anti-inflammatory so the swelling goes down quickly.

That's how I spent my lunch hour yesterday.  Apparently, I also had blackheads that needed to come out, which totally hurt like a bitch.

Why am I telling you all this?  I don't fucking know.

I have awful skin.  Being on the pill has cleared it up a bit, but it's still there.  Shrug.  At least they're not so swollen now.

The Bikram schedule changed at the last minute, so instead of flamboyant instructor, Tommy led the 6PM session.  I really need to refer to them by their names.  Chris is flamboyant instructor.  Poor guy lives in Long Beach, which was one of the hardest areas hit by Sandy on the South Shore.  He hasn't been able to go home at night, because the entire structure has to be gutted.  Completely gutted.   It's a miracle that his house is still standing, which he can't quite believe himself.  Furniture, & sentimental items are gone, completely ruined.  I don't think he was able to salvage any photos or anything else of value.  He's been spending his non-working time gutting the thing, ripping out walls & flooring, while staying in the spare bedroom of one the other instructors.  Lauren is a sweet girl for opening up her home to him.  He told me all this in the few minutes before the session started.  Unreal.

Tough session tonight.  Before the floor series began, that damn headache came back, coupled with nausea.  This is what happens when you don't eat beforehand, and especially when you haven't taken class in almost a week.  Fuck me.

Tired eyes, tired smile, lots of sweat.   Result of the nasuea and headache.  The second I got home, I fixed up a mixed green salad of shredded carrots, radichio, lettuce, and grilled chicken breast with olive oil.  I also had a tablespoon of the Trader Joe's natural crunchy peanut butter, because I wanted a bit more protein.  And because I love that stuff.

Can you see the pizza face?  Ooh, you have no idea how much that irks me.  I hate it when my skin freaks out knowing that I caused it & it was 100% preventable.

Food tracked, requirements in, didn't go over the Points.

Hopefully by the time the weekend is over the redness will have gone completely.

Zonking out now, sleepies calling me, people.  :-)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Rest Day & Some Thoughts.

Full disclosure:  my thinking is scattered right now, so just bear with me.

The scale is already down 3 pounds.  From Sunday.


Still more to go, still more weight to lose. I will get there.

There are certain blogs I used to read that I used to love.  For different reasons, I don't read them anymore. Either they don't blog anymore, or they lose & regain everything, or what-have-you.

Everything that they worked so freaking hard to lose.  And it is hard, man.  I know it is.

The last few months, I've felt that's what I've become.  One of those bloggers that gets stuck & just doesn't lose anymore.  Or in my case, they lose & gain the same 10 lbs over & over again.  It gets tiring.  It gets old.

I have a goal, and I'm sick of NOT being there already.

My fear in the back of my head that's always there is this: that I'll get to my goal weight and then I'll gain it back.  ALL of it.


That fear doesn't always rear its ugly head, doesn't always come to the forefront, but it's there.  Oh man, it is there.  In the back of mind, it is present.   I can not decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I suppose it's good to always be aware of it.  It's good to be diligent - that can never be a bad thing, is how I see it.

I suppose it's bad to allow that to consume you and your life 24-7.

Today I read a blog where the person had reached goal, was there for a long time, then gained back a good amount of weight.  My first thought was:  man, that really sucks.  I feel bad for this person.

My second thought:  Please God - NEVER let that be me.

I don't want to gain back the weight.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly thrilled to pieces with where I am now, but I am happy that I'm not that girl in the before photo anymore.

CORRECTION - I'm happy I no longer weigh what that girl in the before photo weighed.

This is something I don't wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy.  It is hell.  I look at my beautiful, sweet niece and here is what I think:

1.  I'm so, so happy that she will NEVER remember fat Tia Kelly, or Tilly Kelly, as she calls me now.  Because I will never be that person again.

2.  I pray to God she never has to know what THIS is like.

3.  I'm grateful that my brother & SIL eat healthy, lead a healthy lifestyle, and set a good example.  They're not super strict, they do have things like cereal and crackers, but never anything junky like pork rinds.  Euww.  I'm grateful that my niece was weaned on and eats things like broccoli, cauliflower, avocado, carrots, and fresh fruit - and likes eating those things.  I hated vegetables when I was a kid.  Big surprise there.

If I'm ever lucky enough to have a family of my own, (fingers crossed) I will bend over backwards to instill a healthy way of eating and a fit lifestyle from the get go in my home.

I was all set to go to the 5:30 Bikram session, and then I wound up having to work late.  That never happens.  Meh.  Bad enough that a freaking headache decided to settle in late in the afternoon.  Leaving work later than usual meant sitting in unusually heavy traffic, which made getting to Bikram on time impossible.  They lock the doors to the studio, so there was no way for me to get there & sneak in.

So I just went home, took some Tylenol, and tidied up a little.   Some crunches and a plank were on the menu, and it wound up being a rest day.  Shrug.  Not the best of plans, but there you have it.

Back to it tomorrow.  No way I'll be missing the Bikram session tomorrow after work, come hell or high water.

Eats are tracked, everything good on that front, and tomorrow I'm going to sneak in some extra activity at work when possible.  A few times during the day to get the blood flowing and get up from my desk. Nothing too crazy.

Sorry for the random, scattered thinking.  It's late & bed is calling me.

Tuesday's post late.

Day late with this one, huge my bad.

Great workout in the books today.

26 minutes inclined treadmill, then Firm UFB with Alison Davis.  There's not a single ounce of fat on this chick.  I swear, she's got the thighs of a baby giraffe.  As in, no cellulite, no loose skin at all.  Would that we all had that problem.  Meh.  Better to have sagging skin than pounds and pounds of extra fat.  Right?

519 calories burned, worked up a great sweat.

I am irked by how my skin has broken out.  My face looks like a pizza, and it's making me crazy.  Dermatologist appointment scheduled.

More later.  Thinking Bikram tonight, we'll see.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Back to Almost Normal.

Man.  My entire lower body is sore.   Going up & down the stairs today at work hurt like a mofo.  All from just yesterday's 25 minute workout.

Sweet Jesus, I did not know that was possible.

Huffing & puffing my way through that workout yesterday was so not cool.  Not fun at all.  What is cool is how I am feeling about it today.  I like the sore feeling - I fucking LOVE it, to be honest. DOMS is awesome.  (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness.)

I was talking about this with one of the girls I work with, and she told me the same thing.  She does a 6AM bootcamp class 5 days a week.  She was without power for a full week.  During that week she was in the dark, she did nothing.

As in, not a goddamned thing.  Ate whatever she wanted, ate a bunch of crap.  Like me.  And when she went back to bootcamp, she said she felt like she hadn't worked out in years.  The huffing, the puffing, the feeling that she was about to pass out.  Yeah.  It was bad.  She struggled.

That's how I felt yesterday.  She's a size 2 or 4, she's smart, she's educated, she knows all the right things to do in terms of good, healthy nutrition, and she's active.  And she knows and understands that in order to remain skinny and healthy, she will have to work out several times a week FOREVER.

She likened her first workout back at Bootcamp like feeling she was going to pass out.  She could barely keep up with the moves.  And she put on a good 10 pounds, too.

My point?  Even when you take a physically active, smart & dedicated person out of a routine because of an unplanned event for any length of time, it CAN happen.


I've noticed that things seem to be getting a tiny bit back to normal.  Like this morning, driving to work, I passed by 2 gas stations that were pumping and had NO lines.  I almost fainted.  So hopefully, by the end of the week it will get calmer.

I saw a notification on Twitter that the firehouse in South Lindenhurst desperately needs hardware/construction supplies, cleaning supplies and hot food.  I can help with the latter two since cleaning stuff is always on sale somewhere, and I am a fucking surgeon in the kitchen.  I can definitely whip up some healthy & delicious casseroles with fresh ingredients that will not be too expensive.  If you've been living on canned crap, I don't see how you could object to a nice roast chicken or roast beef with fresh veggies and yams or Yukon potatoes.  Hell, I can also add in a pasta tray, like baked ziti.  Super easy and a small gesture to help people.  Knowing the reason why I'm preparing those dishes and the poor souls I'm donating them to will not give me any kind of desire to "graze" at all.  Seriously.

It might help if I knew how to get to South Lindenhurst.  I'll figure something out.  :-)

Decided to do heavy upper body tonight.  21 minutes on the inclined treadmill, The Firm Upper Body Split, 100 regular crunches, 100 reverse crunches, (kill me), 50 weighted side oblique bends, and a plank resulted in 438 calories burned.

Not much of a smile, but at least the sweaty pics are back.  Trying to get back to "my" normal.

I'm really NOT loving how much my face has broken out in the last 2 weeks.  Euww.

Anywho, food intake was spot on, tracked, and within my Points.

I need to find a decent pair of weight lifting gloves.  My bare hands just get too  sweaty to grip the dumbbells and they slip.  Any suggestions?  If they were black & pink that would be awesome.  ;-)  Let me know.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Official WI Results, Continued.

Went to WW this morning, turns out they've had power back since the beginning of this week, which I did not know about.  That doesn't matter now.  I am up 7 pounds.

Proof that is date stamped and time stamped, because I'm sick of my own bullshit:

Motherfucker.  No wonder my pants are freaking tight now.

Ok.  I know where I'm at.  Fucking A.

Got in a real workout today for the first time in what feels like forever.  The Firm Power Sculpt Workout, then 15 additional minutes of dips with frontal sweeps, plie squats with upright rows, lunges with overhead press, jogging in place, and speed rope intervals.

Was so out of it that I didn't even remember to put on my HRM.   Yesterday, I had forgotten to place a new shampoo bottle in my shower and didn't even realize it until after I had turned the water on.  Just goes to show you where my head was at.

I done lost my mind, but I'm finding it again.

Getting in some core work later because I MUST do the Cinderella duties now.  Dusting, wiping down kitchen counters, vacuuming, and meal prep.  Crunches, side bends, and a plank on the menu before Walking Dead.

Chubby - the scale was MUCH higher just 2 or 3 days ago.  So I'm with ya on the downward scale trend.  :-)

Really hoping to lose all of that crap weight this week.  If it doesn't happen, then I want at least half of it by next Saturday.

Back in control since Friday.  Already, it's looking better.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

WI Results.

I've gained 11 lbs. in the last 2 weeks.

Eleven-motherfucking-pounds.  Holy shit.

I feel every single ounce.


The WW center still did not have power as of this morning.  Although I'm hearing that crews are in that area now and they're expecting it back at some point tonight.  I have a friend who lives around the corner from the center, and that's what she texted me today.

I stepped on my own scale and that's how I know how far off the rails I went.  However, I've decided to get my sorry ass to the center on my full-tank-of-gas car and officially WI tomorrow morning.

So what did I learn?

Every single bad choice that I made was my fault and I cannot and WILL NOT blame anyone or anything for it.  I mean, how could I?  Ain't no gun being pointed at my head forcing the shit food down my throat.  Circumstances and environment cannot always be controlled, and that's just life.

Fridge & freezer are stocked again.  Went to Trader Joe's and my local supermarket this morning before Bikram.  Here's what I scored: milk, whole wheat sliced bread, butter (yes, butter) chicken breast, chicken drumstricks, cauliflower, eggs, brusell sprouts, broccoli, red skinned potatoes, green & red peppers, garlic, shredded carrots, lean beef, apples, bananas, pears, frozen strawberries, frozen blueberries, frozen raspberries, a cannister of steel cut oats (not for the fridge), teriyaki frozen veggies, assorted Fage yogurts, sweet potatoes, all natural crunchy salted peanut butter, organic strawberry preserves, and cooked grilled chicken breast marinated with thyme and balsamic vinagriette.

Not a food porn person, but should've taken a pic of all the beautiful colors from the fresh produce.

Tomorrow, I'm going to marinade the beef and place it in the freezer for either a stew or a stir fry for next week.  I'm going to de-bone and de-skin the chicken drumsticks, season with a dry rub of poultry seasoning, sesame seeds, sea salt and a little bit of olive oil, and roast them with the fresh veggies and red skinned potatoes.  For the potatoes, I'm borrowing a super easy recipe from Rachael Ray - sliced potatoes with herbs de provence.  Fresh minced garlic, onion, parsley, thyme, rosemary, salt, pepper, and olive oil.

Bikram this morning.  Really needed it.  One of ladies I've become friendly with lives in Roslyn and works where I live, in Great Neck.  She still does not have power.  She, her husband, and their son have been staying at her MIL's house in Westbury since they have power.  She drives by her house everyday to collect mail and of course to check on the situation.  Sad.  She told me all she wants to do is to be able to go back to her own home.  SMH.

Wendy & I went to the supermarket to donate some things for the Sandy victims.  I mostly donated toiletries - toothbrushes, bars of soap, toothpaste, mouthwash, shampoos, conditioners, and deodorants. Wendy got mostly canned goods, bottles of assorted juice, crackers, and canned meats.

The hair salon will be accepting donations indefinitely.  Next week I'm thinking of donating cleaning supplies - detergents, household cleaners, sponges, scrub bushes, mops, paper towels, etc.  I saw a post on Facebook that this hair salon was a drop off site for people to bring contributions, which was really nice of them.   When it gets better......It has to get better.  Please, God.

We went to Barnes & Noble afterwards and just caught up a little bit.  It was nice, hanging out with my best friend.  She noticed I was a little congested.  Glands were also a bit swollen earlier in the week, probably from the abrupt change in the weather, and from sleeping in the freezing cold for a bit last week.  Shrug.  It's better now.  At first, I thought it was my allergies from the Yorkies (I'm allergic to pet dander and I bust out in massive sneezing fits.  As in, I don't stop sneezing all day) but now I know that it's a real cold and not allergies. Not the worst, just wish my throat didn't hurt.  Whatever, Mother Nature.  I've had colds before.

I just wish I was sleeping better.  I've been waking up at 4:30 in the morning completely wide awake. Eh, that too will get better.

Yesterday was good.  Today was better.  Tomorrow will be awesome.

The only direction the scale will go from here on in is down, down, DOWN.

I'll have numbers (scary) tomorrow.  God help me.

Friday, November 9, 2012


Power was restored to my development last night.  Scrubbed, cloroxed and disinfected the fridge/freezer.  Dumped more stuff.  Went back to my folks because the heat hadn't kicked in quite yet.  So doesn't matter.

Insignificant compared to what is truly going on around here.

Tomorrow, my BFF & I will be dropping off whatever we can get our hands on to donate to the affected people and areas.  There is a storefront near the both of us that was set aside specifically for this reason.

Today, I get back to my routine.  Something I should've done already.

Chubby wrote a trainwreck post yesterday that hit home.  Getting off the rails is easy, getting back on is hard.  That's been me lately.  Can't hide it, can't deny it, don't want to hide it.  The circuits help, but I am a creature of habit.  I need my routine.  I CRAVE my routine.

Isn't it something how disruption of a routine can throw everything in flux?

Tonight.  Tonight, I return to my routine.  Tonight, my fat butt begins the process of shedding the lard that I knowingly accumulated  on it during the last 2 weeks.  Jesus.

Blah, blah.

This is not where I'm told I'm being too hard on myself.  I need to be hard on myself.  I need to get my f*cking lard ass in gear.

If my WW meeting is open tomorrow, I will be there with bells on to face the music.  Not going to flake out on a WI like a little bitch.  I'd like to, but that will not help.  Already, I can feel it will be bad.  Did it, owned it, it sucks, but there are more important matters to be handled.

There are people still without power, or who have lost everything.

I've actually passed by signs that have read:  "LIPA - PLEASE DON'T FORGET ABOUT US."

Please don't forget about those that have lost so much.

I've called local firehouses and food banks/food pantries.  Food banks would prefer that you send them donations in the forms of checks or money orders since they are the ones who know what items are more urgently needed.

In terms of clothes/blankets - the fire house told me that people tend to forget that items such as cleaning supplies, construction supplies, tools, flashlights, batteries, are needed just as urgently.  Don't get me wrong - donate whatever you have access too.  If you know of people that are in the construction or hardware trade, please urge them to donate anything they can.

The recovery effort will span a long period of time.  I plan to help as much as possible.  I wish the damn gas situation weren't as bad as it is, but there you have it.  Gas rationing was implemented today.  Hope it helps ease the situation.  We shall see.

No mas.  No more.

Back again.

I've got to formulate a plot.... 
success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not...
So here I go, it's my shot, 
feet fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that I got.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Helping the Sandy Victims.

Got up at 5:30 yesterday morning to fill up my car.  On a lark, I checked the gasbuddy website and saw that a gas station right by my firm had gas, was accepting credit cards and the line was moving smoothly and pretty quickly.  My total wait time was about 25-30 minutes.  Nothing compared to people waiting 2 hours or more.

Afterwards, I went to Dunkin Donuts to get coffee.  There were two out of town utility dudes ahead ordering coffee.  They had Southern twangs.  After one of them placed his order, I said to him, "You're not from around here, are you ?"  He tolde he & his buddy were from Oklahoma.  I said, "Are you guys helping LIPA?"  He said yes, they were.  I thanked him for helping us out and then he said, in a very humble, aw shucks kind of way , "It's our job ."

Trekking 1,000 + miles just to help out.  Yes, I know they're getting paid OT and expenses, but they could just as easily stay home with their families in their regular jobs.  They're helping our because they can.

I'm collecting food/toiletries/baby items/baby food/blankets/per food/ to donate to the Sandy victims.
Canned goods & non-perishables are of course the most ideal.

I'll be making trips out to shelters, food banks, and fire houses in the Rockaways and Long Beach areas from my place in Long Island in the next several weeks starting this weekend.

Really want to help in some way and give back.  If you're able to donate something, please email me.

Let's try to make this happen and help out those less fortunate than us.  Some of us don't have to travel 1,000 + miles to do so.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Voted.

Mom & I were up & out of the house at 6AM this morning to cast our votes.  The church we had to go to in order to vote was still without power.  And naturally, it was a little disorganized.  Voters were frustrated.  They had come in that early in order not to waste gas going after work & of course, to be done quickly with voting.  Line only started moving at 6:50.  We were there at 6:15.

Gas situation does not seem to be getting better.

Still at Mom & Dad's, grateful to have a warm place to stay.

Did a quick circuit last night - Kelliann, you were so right about feeling better afterwards!  But - and here's the rub - I got winded after the first 10 minutes.

Ooh, that made me so upset, pissed off & disappointed.  I was happy to move & get activity in, just can't believe how my stamina has dropped.

Enough of that shit.

I remain hopeful the gas situation improves soon.  Really soon.  We'll see.

If it does and fuel is more accessible, BFF & I will go out this weekend to the Rockaways and drop off some much needed essentials.  Hot fresh food, blankets, clothes, cat & dog food, baby items, and toiletries.  Looting is ripe in the most hard hit areas such as the Rockaways and Long Beach, so we would go in the morning, drop the stuff off at the firehouse (or which ever place is accepting donations, like a shelter) and come right back.  I'm hearing the same in certain places in Jersey and Staten Island -  lots of looting.  Heartbreaking, but unfortunately, it makes sense.  When you're desperate and you've lost everything with no place to go, you'll do anything to survive.  Trying to give back, trying to do something, anything, but it seems so small in comparison to just how bad things are.

Another circuit tonight.  I haven't made up my mind about which moves to do.  Probably something similar to last night.  Trivial in light of what is happening.

That's all I got.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Drive By Post.

Just a quick update.

Still at my folks, no change in the power situation at my place.  Ditto the gas situation.  Everyone at work seems to think that by Weds., it will get better.  I've got my fingers crossed.

Thank you Mina for reaching out & offering me a warm place to stay.   Kindness from a "stranger" really touched me.  And it does go a really long way.  There are some really good people left in the world.

Paying it forward, if anyone local needs anything, please email me. I will offer whatever I have.  A simple thing like a hot shower, a home cooked meal or even clean clothes - washer & dryer at my folks place.

Trying to think up a circuit I can do tonight to get my fat ass moving.  Here's what I've come up with so far - jumping jacks, squats with overhead presses, lunges, dips, pushups, mountain climbers, weighted side bends, and mountain climbers.  Sets of 12 or 10?  Haven't decided yet.  Anything to get my heart rate up and get me sweating.  Maybe some plyo jumps and skaters too.  There's an old treadmill in the basement, but it's kind of creaky & scary.  It stalls sometimes, and that's just asking for injury.  I'm more than ok with doing jumping jacks, jogging in place or speed rope intervals instead.

There's also an 8 lb body bar I left at my parents' house that I'll use too.  In one of my DVDs, the instructor uses a similar piece of equipment to do dips with frontal sweeps that come up to shoulder level.  It's a way to increase your heart rate while doing strength training.  Might steal that move, as well as squats with bicep curls with the body bar.  Clean & press sounds good, too.

Not loving how I'm feeling.  Bloated, gross & just plain fat.  I tried on a pair of work pants that fit me like a glove just weeks ago and now they're super tight.  Sobering moment.

So sick of the shit, I mean - euww.  Taking responsibility, manning up to it, and now doing something about it.  I did not come within 17 lbs of my goal only to throw it all down the shitter.

You don't train and train for a goal and then stop & give up as you approach the finish line.  You keep fucking going.  Especially since this is how it will be forever.  Watching the food intake & getting the workouts in consistently.  It's 17 lbs, well within the foreseeable future.  It's more now, I can feel it.  That makes me extremely angry at myself.

All over the place with the drive by post.  Apologies for that.

More tomorrow.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Lucky & Grateful.

My perspective has changed radically.  How could it not, after all.

Went to Bikram this morning. It's helped so much.  The instructor has to stay at the studio since he has no power, no gas & therefore no way to go home & back.

The gas station down the street from my firm ran out of gas & has had a military tank parked on its premises since this afternoon.  Never seen anything like this before.  But instinctively, I know how lucky I am.  Believe me, I am counting my blessings.  Will continue to do so from now on.

Spent a nice afternoon in the kitchen with Mom.  She made chicken vegetable soup from scratch, I roasted butternut squash in the oven.  Tomorrow, she's making her famous arroz con pollo, which is the bomb diggity.

Last run to the store today.  They were collecting food for the Long Island food pantry.  I donated some canned goods, crackers, and apple juice.  I wanted to give more, but the guys collecting the stuff said every little bit helps.  They had filled 2 shopping carts.  Hope that number grew after I left.

Bro & SIL are still without power.  Their street is completely blocked off at both ends by uprooted trees.  Their generator is running low on precious fuel, which has pretty much become gold.

I called my local police department, and they were no help.  I reported that gas station, and the person who answered the phone said they weren't sure if what they were doing was illegal, even though it certainly was immoral.  Then I was told to call the DA's office tomorrow.  SMH.

I thought price gauging was illegal.  What do I know, though.  Just disgusted with that.  They wouldn't even sell gas to the attendant that works there.  He told me he'd been waiting to buy gas for 2 days.  Eso no tiene perdon de Dios.

The folks eat differently than I do.  No biggie, just a pain in the neck having 2 cooks in the kitchen.  My mother is convinced I have no idea what I'm doing kitchen-wise.  So basically, not much has changed in that respect.  ;-)

Here's the thing: just because they eat one way, does NOT mean I have to follow their lead.  Different surroundings doesn't mean everything gets tossed out the window.  No ones holding a gun to my head & forcing bad food down my throat.

Lots of cars lining the street waiting for gas.  I'm hoping that by Weds/Thursday, it'll be much better. As more people get their power back, it will get better all around.  Solo lo sabra Dios.

Walking Dead tonight, looking forward to it.

Those of you in NY/NJ: to see which gas stations on your area have fuel & which are closed or ran out.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Still Here, Getting Better.

My folks got power back yesterday, so I'm here for now.  Still no power at my place.

Looking like we may not get it back til the end of the week, from what I'm hearing.  Whatever, I got off pretty damn easy.  My place is still standing, and I have a warm place to stay.

Other people lost everything, lives were lost.  I got lucky.

And believe me, I am counting my blessings.  Food is replaceable, lives are not.

Went to Bikram this morning, I needed it.  The studio was packed.  Some people there hadn't had a hot shower in days.

No sweaty pic since I'm blogging from my phone.

The lines at the gas stations are scary.  Miles long, some people are getting violent.  And I went to a gas station in Roslyn where the attendant told me they had gas, but weren't selling it to the public until gas prices went up.

Unreal.  I got really angry.  Some people are desperate for fuel, but hey, if there's a way to cash in on a natural disaster, lets do it.  Because that's what really matters.  Santo Dios.

That should not surprise me.  It disgusts me.

No WI since both centers close to me had no power.  Next week.

Seeing things differently.  Jeanette, Kelliann, Chubby, you ladies are wonderful.  :-). Kelliann, I'm done with my bitching, too.  Time to get back to work.  The work never ends, right?

So done.  So focusing on my goals.  No time for pissing, moaning & any other nonsense now.  Over & done with.  Time to move on, move forward, and get this shit done already.

Enough is enough.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Still Nothing.

Still in the dark.

And it's getting worse.

On my way to work the last two days, I've seen lines of cars waiting for gas at the local gas stations.  And people with their red, 2 or 3 gallon containers.

I'm hearing that there is yet ANOTHER storm on the horizon, this time a Nor'Eastern, heading towards New England parts.  Which means it might hit us too, at the very least with snow & more freezing temperatures.

Today, a co-worker lent me the use of her hot water so that I could take a hot shower. It was the first hot shower I've had in 4 days.  I had been taking 3 minute, freezing cold showers up til today.

That's me, trying to accept help when it's given to me.

Shit eating.  No power means no use of the stove, no fridge to store things like fresh baby spinach and real produce.  This canned crap is making me feel even worse.

I am trying to do the best I can.  This shit is hard.

Went over to BFF's yesterday to talk and to get a hot meal.  With real vegetables and real lean chicken.  She kept telling me I'm wasting away.  She kept trying to feed me, like I was starving or something.  I kept reassuring her I was not, even though she was not convinced.

A former fat person never starves.  I can tell you that right now.

She wanted to know more about my  binge eating, which I've NEVER discussed with her before.

I tried to explain it - the shame, the disgust, the eating til you can't anymore and all the feelings of self-worthlessness that go along with it.  She tried to understand, she really did - but when you've never had a food problem, how can you understand?

"Well, can't you keep just a small bag of chips or something around for when you do have those feelings?"

I closed my eyes for a long second and took a deep breath, thinking about what to say next.  This is why I don't discuss this with her.  She doesn't get it.  And that's not her fault.  This is my issue - not hers.

So I tried to liken it to a crack addict.  They can't keep something like that around, because then they just won't stop.  Right?  That's my problem.  I can't just keep a regular sized bag of chips around, because I won't stop til its all gone.  And then I'll want more and I'll go out and get more and the whole thing will start all over again.

How can someone who's never had this issue before understand?  The answer is they can't.  And they won't.  They will never understand.

Ok, that's fine.  She asked me about my finances and offered to help me out there.  The only way I'd ever accept that offer is if I was 2 seconds away from being on the street.  Which I'm not, thankfully.  Yes, it is a pride thing, and I am fully admitting that right now.  Anyone who's got a problem with that can go and lick some donkey balls.

I wound up staying longer than I expected, but it was good.  Her husband came back from working in the city, where he told me everything south of 29th was pretty much dark.  Including the hotel he manages.  Well, they have a back up generator, but they're still losing money.

He told me I looked sad.  Not sleeping at night because you're freezing cold and worried about your financial situation in the face of this fucking hurricane will do that to you.  I did not say that, of course.

I am hoping, I am praying the damn power comes back today.

Then my next worry will be how to get gas.  Since apparently, gas is pretty much golden now.

This too shall pass.  It will get better.  And I am made of sterner stuff.

Jeanette - you & I are so much alike.  I never realized that a complete stranger would "get" me more than any friend I have in real life.  :-)  It is ok to accept help.  It is ok to ask for it too.  Sometimes you have to, before you lose your mind.

I'll try to update this weekend, but no promises.  I may or may not get power back this weekend.

This won't last forever, and it will get better.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Need Help.

I'm back at work today because the office got power back at some point yesterday afternoon.

This damn hurricane has thrown me for one hell of a loop.

I'm angry and I'm scared.

I'm pissed that I still don't have power.  I'm angry that I've spent three sleepless nights in the freezing cold dark.

I'm angry that tonight is looking to be a repeat of last night.

I'm scared at what this is going to cost me.  I'm scared that I'm going to have to replace the entire contents of my fridge and freezer.

I'm scared that I don't have the money this month to do that.  Because I still haven't gotten my escrow check back yet.

I feel selfish because other people lost everything, and here I am whining about a few cold dark nights.  I came out lucky.  I really did.  Suck it up, already.

I need help, and I don't know how to ask for it.

I need help asking for help.

I don't know how to accept help when it's offered to me genuinely.

The canned crap tastes like cardboard and sawdust.  I don't have much of an appetite right now.

Reaching out to my BFF - or to ANYONE - is such a big thing for me.  It shouldn't be.   Especially now.

I've just been through a freaking hurricane.  You'd think it wouldn't be such an ordeal for me to ask for help - especially NOW.

Things like heat, power, a hot shower, and a hot meal are things I will NEVER take for granted again.  EVER.

I don't know why I'm shutting her out.

I don't know why I continue to treat her like a stranger.

I don't know why I continue to keep everything to myself.

I don't know why I have it in my head that no one wants to nor needs to know my personal business.

I don't know why I'm always so goddamn private all the time.

I don't know why I continue to deal with and shoulder everything all by myself when there are people who have offered to share part of the load with me.

I don't know how or why I think I'll be able to have a baby on my own if I can't even get through this month.

I don't know why I stubbornly choose to have feelings for a man who's 1,300 miles away and can't give me what I want or need right now.  Something else I haven't talked about.

I don't know how the fuck I'm going to make it through this next month.

I'm worried.  I'm stuck in a rut right now financially.  And personally.

You are not the only one who lives paycheck to paycheck right now, Chubby.  I'm right there with ya.  I understand all too well this whole tightening of the belt.  Which is what I'm going to have to do now more than ever.

Whine, whine whine. I'm annoying myself with this crap now.

This too shall pass.  This too shall pass.

Other people did not make it out quite so lucky from this disaster.  I still have a roof over my head.  I did not lose everything.

I AM NOT ASKING FOR HANDOUTS.  I AM NOT ASKING FOR MONEY.  I want to make that EXTREMELY clear.  That's not the purpose of this post.

I need to shut the fuck up and appreciate what I've got.  It's more than what other people have right now.  I am pretty lucky.  This month will be pretty difficult.  But this too shall pass.